Day 11: Reality Check

While talking to a friend today, I accidentally gave myself a reality check about this job situation. The first time I was hired by a company like this, the timeline went as such...I was interviewed in March of 2004. I was told that the job could start at any time and I would need to be living in Columbia, SC, when it happened. At the time, in March, I was living with my fiance in Charleston. We both had good jobs and things were going well. I decided that by May, I needed to be in Columbia (I knew my background investigation would take some time). We both left our jobs and by June, we were thoroughly moved to Columbia. Still no word from my company at this point. So, I took a rinky dink job at a DMV and my fiance started working at a local college she also began attending for Library Science classes. Months passed and with me being underemployed, the credit card debt mounted quickly. Crystal, for that was her name, took another job to make up my slack and, between the studies and two jobs, she literally began losing her mind. By the end of the year, Crystal would be institutionalized and I would be told in November 2004 that I could start working in February, in Boston. They had fucked around so long on starting me that there were no more positions available where I was. So, almost a year from my initial interview, I got to start in a different state than where I was hired and two moves away from where I started.

2004 was a bad year for me. I eventually recovered financially but never dated anyone seriously again. While the job ended up being lucrative for the next eight years, it ended in a way that caused me to end up where I am currently (nowhere great). These companies can take up to a year to give me a start date. If I end up with one a mere six months from my initial job offer, that will be a minor miracle.

Food since last time: I had some pizza rolls and a little weird oreo chocolate bar thing with a Coke Zero (hey hey!) for lunch. For dinner, I ate a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and a medium fry with a medium Dr. Pepper. For breakfast this morning, I had my usual SEC biscuit with three mini-cruellers and a Dr. Pepper (16.9 oz). I have been drinking a Coke Zero the rest of the morning. I am on Step 1 of a multiple step process to lose weight. Step 1 is "No Drinking Sodas between meals" and by that I mean caloried sodas like my beloved Dr. Pepper. Coke Zero or Diet Pepsi or something is what I must consume when not eating.

Pop Culture: Actually, the only thing I consumed since last time was an episode of Kimmy Schmidt. Not sure what I was doing last night besides going to the grocery store and watching the news.

Day 10: The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Now, the long weekend is over and I am back at work. Despite a restless night, I am not feeling tired today. Mostly, I am keeping my eyes on my gmail tab to see when a new email comes in. My company should know by now that I am cleared to work. I figure they will reach out to me sooner than later but I haven't heard anything so far. I have resolved that I will write them at the beginning of the day tomorrow if I haven't heard anything.

I was going over my new budget in more detail (with what I can afford on this new job) and I should be able to live a comfortable lifestyle while still putting money back in savings and meeting my goals of paying off debts. All this is good news that I just need to have reaffirmed by my company before I get too far ahead of myself.

A plan to start switching more drinks to diet drinks is going to start today in just a little bit. Step one in a long road that I am trying to just think of as one day at a time.

Food since last time: I had about half a box of mac and cheese along with two cajun sausages for lunch yesterday (along with a liter of DP). For dinner, my mother made a bacon and cheese omelette with home fries. I had another 24 oz DP with dinner. As a snack yesterday, I had four soft batch cookies with a G2 little bottle of Gatorade. This morning, I had a gas station sausage biscuit and six little chocolate donuts. I drank two 16oz DPs with it.

Pop Culture: I finished The Infinity Gauntlet Omnibus again as well as the novel, The Impossible Fortress. I watched more Master of None episodes as well as Kimmy Schmidt. That was about it.

Day 9: Bad Math

So yesterday, as I was writing this up, I had a mini-freak out because I didn't think I would be able to afford a car payment and a settlement payment for my credit card when I get my new salary. It turns out, I was doing the wrong math. I use the ADP Payroll Calculator (a helpful tool to keep you from guessing what your next paycheck will be) and I only figured it for working 40 hours on a biweekly paycheck schedule. When I went back and realized I had screwed myself out of half of what I would be making, things looked much better. Not only can I pay my bills and a car payment, I can afford a decent sized settlement payment as well. Now, I just need my start date.

Earlier in the year, I had outlined a one year plan for slowly getting fitter. I think I will harvest that plan and implement it over the course of the year where I am paying off my debt. More on that later. Today, I am going to enjoy this third day of a three day weekend. I'm not sure what I am going to do but I will make sure it is relaxing and/or fun. Hope anyone reading this is having a good day, too.

Food since last time: My parents offered to buy Burger King so I got a Big Bacon King which is just way too much burger for one human. I had also had fries and a DP. Then, for dinner, I made a pizza with extra cheese, bacon and pepperoni. I ate 3/4ths of it and drank about a liter of DP. For breakfast this morning, I had a weiner and that last 1/4th of the pizza with a cup of DP. Definitely switching to diet sodas this week to see what a difference it makes, calorie wise.

Pop Culture since last time: I read more Infinity Gauntlet and the Impossible Fortress (about halfway through it now). I watched one Kimmy Schmidt episode and several Master of None episodes. I also watched the Korean horror flick, The Host. And I saw most of a very edited version of the US remake of Death at a Funeral with my mom.

Day 8: The Wheels Start Turning

With yesterday's bit of good news, my mind wheels have started turning. First, worst case scenarios are crossing my mind. My whole job is based on going through some retraining before I can restart but it was waiting for one of these training classes that delayed me so much back in January. What if they only do them twice a year and I am screwed until September or something? That would be bad.

I am trying not to dwell on such long shots and instead think about what this news could mean to the next year of my life. If I can start getting paid big boy money then I should, hypothetically, be able to pay for a new car and maybe, pay my way totally out of debt. If I can get the settlement from the credit card company, I would be paying something like $450 a month for a year to settle my debt and consider it gone. Of course, I can't pay the car payment and the settlement at the same time. I would have to choose the car payment first, allowing the regular $150 a month to continue for the credit card. Of course, a car might take two years to pay off before I could even think about the settlement. Hmmm, this requires more thinking. I had thought that if I were stuck with my parents for one more year, I could institute a healthy living plan for that year as well. But if I am looking at a minimum three years to freedom, I am looking at utter despair.

I need to sit down and think all this out with some calculations. Then I'll work on my health plan. Talking to Aubrey on Friday led me back to thinking I need to work diet sodas into my strategy again, if only to drastically reduce my calorie count. If you've read my food blog portion, you'll know I spend most of my calories on Dr. Pepper.

Food since last time: My parents brought home two hot dogs with mustard and some fries for me. I ate that with 1/2 a liter of Dr. Pepper. This morning, I've had four soft batch cookies, a raw weiner and the other 1/2 liter of Dr. Pepper.

Pop Culture: Yesterday as a full day of lazy pop culture consumption. More Infinity Gauntlet, Black Hammer #9, the first 8 chapters of The Impossible Fortress by Jason Rekulak, the Arrow season finale and the Land that Time Forgot on MST3k. Yes, quite the good day.

Day 7: A Glimmer of Hope

When yesterday passed with no news, I was resigned to spend this Memorial Day weekend still in agony over not knowing my future. Well, as fate would have it, an answer arrived this afternoon in the form of some certified mail. The U.S. government has seen fit to allow me access to classified information, which means I can hypothetically start my job as soon as they can retrain me. I haven't heard from my company yet but I assume that will be next week. This is a nice move forward. As suspected, my finances were the thing holding me up. They apparently didn't care much about how I lost the old job or my depression treatment.

Within the next six months they will check in to make sure I have paid at least another $900 off my large debt and that I have paid off my small debt completely. Both of which should be easy to accomplish. Once I get the go ahead from my company, I can buy a new car and then things can get literally moving again. This is a weight off my back but I won't open the champagne until I hear from my company with a firm start date. Still, one step forward.

Food since last time: My mother and I ate a lunch order of Sweet and Sour Chicken with rice for lunch. I had two Dr. Peppers with it. For dinner last night, I ate with friends at Barley's in Asheville and had two slices of cheese pizza with a coke. When I got home at 2am, I ate two big cup Reece's with cookie filling. When I got out of bed at 2pm today I ate a double shot of creamy chicken ramen with a Cheerwine.

Pop Culture: I bought comics yesterday so I have read the latest issues of Wild Storm, Wonder Woman, Batman, Flash, All-Star Batman and Wicked and Divine 455 AD. I also went to see Franz Ferdinand in concert. A band called Omni opened for them. It was a fun show and over too soon.

Day 6: Anticipation

I mentioned earlier how one of my big road blocks is not knowing if I actually got the investigator job they hired me for back in January. It all hinges on my investigation and if the government thinks I am worthy of a top secret security clearance. The problem that is keeping it from being smooth sailing is actually a variety of little problems. I can't prove that I was fired due to my car accident from my last investigator job. I can't remember the name of my boss from Kansas City (I only worked for him for three months) and I never knew anyone else there who can confirm that was why I was let go. So, that's an issue. Secondly, I am friends with a foreign national, a Canadian woman who lives in Germany with her husband. This caused some minor issues. Thirdly, I am being treated for depression but who isn't right? And finally, I have some hefty debt issues since I defaulted on my credit card a couple of years ago. This is probably the most damning obstacle to my clearance.

I received a call this past Monday from the woman adjudicating my case asking me to verify I had actually been paying back my credit card. Luckily, I have voided checks to prove my three payments. She said her part would be done by the end of the week and she would let the company that hired me know whether or not I passed. Then, it is up to the company to tell me if I got the job or not and when I might actually start.

I am mildly optimistic about my chances. I think I have done enough to prove I can be trusted with top secret information (not that you even get any in this line of work). I am really hoping I find out one way or another by the end of the day today. I am keeping an eye on my email inbox just waiting for something to let me know I can breathe again and start planning for the rest of my life. Of course, there is no promise of any news today. It might be after the long weekend before I hear anything but, man, it would be nice to go into this weekend celebrating a victory instead of crossing my fingers for some good news.

Food since last time: I had a cheeseburger and french fries from a diner last night with about 1/2 a liter of Dr. Pepper. This morning I had my SEC biscuit with three mini-cruellers and I have had a liter of Cheerwine so far this morning. I am about to go to lunch with my mother so nothing else has been consumed.

Pop Culture: I read a little of the Infinity Gauntlet trade last night but my night was mostly about catching up on TV shows. I watched the Archer, Flash and Brooklyn Nine Nine season finales. I am still crying way too much at dumb tv shows.

Day 5: Mood and Motivation

Yesterday, I talked about some logistical hang ups I have. Today, I want to talk about more personal hang ups.

I have been diagnosed as having a Bi-Polar 2 disorder. The 2 indicates it is weaker than the original. When I cycle between manic and depressed, it is mostly just in my head. My outward behavior doesn't really change that much. My thoughts go from a depressed state where everything is horrible so why bother trying to the manic belief that I can change my life with enough big, bold moves...all attempted at once. As you can imagine, neither of these approaches are all that helpful. I accidentally accomplish some things in a manic state but usually slip back into depression and undo everything I've tried to do.

The main way to fight this is through medication. I have a psychiatrist for exactly this reason. While my therapist and I try to keep my attitude in the right place, my psychiatrist pretty much just sees me to medicate me. I am currently taking a drug called Latuda (you may have seen commercials for it) that works pretty well when I remember to take it. I try to take one every day after dinner but sometimes, you eat out and don't have your meds with you. Even then, I try to take one when I get home. Anyway, I think it is working ok to help me get mental distance on my depressed thoughts (being able to disagree with my depression is a big help) but not so much as a mood balance. I still cry at the drop of a hat and for the weirdest things, too. But that's probably a whole other story.

So, my meds are helping with my mood. I just need to find motivation. Unfortunately, at the core of my thinking is still this "why bother?" attitude. Trying to find a reason to try is one of my major quests and one I hope to succeed in while writing this blog.

Tomorrow, who knows what I will write about? Strategies for getting back on top? We'll see.

Food since last time: I had a medium combo from Burger King with a Bacon Double Cheeseburger. I also had an oreo milkshake last night. This morning, I had my SEC biscuit and three mini-cruellers with a Cheerwine. For lunch, a co-worker brought us Chick-Fil-A biscuits so I had a chicken biscuit. I went to a corner store and bought mesquite chips and a mini-bag of white chocolate Kit-Kats. I am drinking a 24 ounce DP.

 Pop Culture since last time:  Last night was game night with  my friends so I didn't read comics or watch TV. We played Mysterium, Forbidden Island and (my favorite) the DC Deck Building game.

Day 4: What's In My Way

Yesterday, I talked about how I wanted to go to school for counseling and lose some weight. I neglected to mention that I would also write a lot more if I were living my ideal lifestyle. So, what is keeping me from living the life I want to live to the point where I have to whine about it online?

Mostly, the problem is one of money and motivation. If I had to add a third "m" it would be mood. An old friend of mine was kind enough to hire me to do a job for which I have zero qualifications. It pays $14 an hour, which is well above minimum wage but...let me tell you where my money goes. I have a storage unit that costs $134 a month to keep. It holds all my worldly possessions so I am not eager to let that go. My phone costs $105 a month (I am on an old unlimited plan). I defaulted on a credit card a few years ago after losing my job and I owe an obscene amount of money to the bank (more than I make in a year). So, they draft $150 a month out of my checking to keep the dogs off me. My psychiatrist and therapist (two different people) cost me $150 a month. Due to a recent outbreak of rosacea on my face, I am seeing a dermatologist who charges about $50 a visit and the meds are through the roof (did I mention I don't have insurance?). Add in food, gas, staying on top of my paypal credit, Netflix and saving up for my own car; there isn't a lot left for me to work with.

You may notice there is no "rent" in there. I can't afford it. Nor can I afford all the utilities that come with renting my own place. I can't afford insurance or even a decent car payment right now. I am broke.

The hope on the horizon is a possible return to investigating. I would get a huge salary bump, benefits, paid time off, insurance...just be in a better world, money-wise. While those base charges would still remain, I could definitely afford my own car, which would be a nice step into independence. At any rate, the company offering me a job offered it to me in January. Before they will give me a start date, I have to pass a background investigation. As of two days ago, that investigation is almost complete (it is in the adjudication phase). But if you are counting, that is five months of me not knowing if I have this job that was offered to me.

Five months I have been stuck in limbo between hope and the despair of continuing my meager existence. I feel like I can't move forward on anything until I know about the job. I have a plan either way but, knowing would make it so much easier.

So, tomorrow I'll talk about my mood and motivation problem.

Food since last time: A large can of Spaghetti-os with shredded mozzarella cheese melted in it, along with half a 24 oz Dr. Pepper. For breakfast I had my SEC biscuit, three mini-cruellers, the rest of that 24 oz DP and a bottle of Cheerwine. For lunch, I had Totinos pizza rolls, a bag of peanut butter M&Ms and I am working on a 20 oz bottle of DP.

Pop Culture: Still listening to Sylvan Esso and reading Infinity Gauntlet. I did watch the season finale of Supergirl, so that is one less show for me each week.

Day 3: Where I want to be

Last year, I kept finding myself with enough "extra money" every week to play with scratch-off lottery tickets. I know, they are a suckers game. Pretty much every weekend I would break even or lost $3-5. Sometimes, I would win $10-20. Never enough to retire on but a nice cushion going into the weekend. One of those I bought was a game called Black Diamonds or something. A ticket cost $10 so I bought them sparingly. I found out that they were part of a second chance drawing where, if you bought a ticket that didn't win anything, you could enter it into drawing for a chance at a million dollars.

The drawing still hasn't happened yet but I have about 24 entries in the contest. That's $240 that went nowhere, if you are keeping track. I have that tiny little voice of hope in the back of my mind that I will win. But I started thinking...what do I want to do if I win one million dollars. That isn't enough to live on for the rest of my life unless I make some super shrewd investments. I know, after taxes, I would be lucky to have $600,000. Which would still be nice but sounds less sexy.

I began day dreaming of living at a beach in the off season. I hate beaches in the summer but give me an ocean in the winter and I am very happy. I thought, I could attend school full-time to be a psychological counselor. I am good at listening to problems and sometimes good at offering solutions. If I went to a counseling program, I could finally have a job I enjoy. So, I would spend my money on school and living work free while I went to school. I would also find a place where I could go swimming for exercise.

In my perfect world, I would weigh about 150 pounds less than I do now. I would be a counselor with my own practice, living in my own house, with my own car. If I were further daydreaming, I would have a wonderful wife. These don't seem like (and they aren't) impossible dreams.

Next time, I'll tell you what is standing in my way.

Food since last time: I had a fried chicken salad from Zaxby's with ranch dressing. It was a Caesar's salad in make up so cheese, bacon, croutons and lettuce only. I had a Dr. Pepper with that. For dinner, my mother made cube steak (tough but spicy) of which I had one piece with a small serving of rice and a bowl of spinach with some cheese and ranch dressing. This morning, I had my breakfast SEC biscuit with a Cheerwine and three mini-cruellers. I just had today's lunch, which was a Son of Baconator combo, large, with a Dr. Pepper. I also bought another 24 oz DP that I will be working on throughout the day.

Pop Culture: I read more of my Infinity Gauntlet omnibus, played my Marvel Puzzle Quest game on my tablet and listened to Sylvan Esso's new album in the car this morning while riding around.

Day 2: How I Got Here

If you read my first day, you may be asking yourself, how did a grown man get into such a dire situation? Usually, the answer is a mix of bad decisions and bad luck but mine comes down to one thing, I was fired from my job as a contractor for the government. Granted, I wrecked the company car they let me use but the highway patrol said it wasn't my fault (hydroplaned on a rainy day and hit a guardrail). Regardless, I found myself newly moved to Kansas City and without employment for the first time in my adult life. While I looked for work, I burned through my 401k and racked up major credit card debt before giving up and returning to South Carolina.

That was August of 2013. Since that time, I have just been trying to get back to some semblance of an adult salary. After living with my parents proved psychologically problematic, I lived with friends for about the past year. After using up all their goodwill, I am back with my parents and holding onto my sanity.

Tomorrow, I'll talk about where I want to be.

Food since last time: I had a double shot of Creamy Chicken Ramen for dinner last night with about a liter of Dr. Pepper. This morning, I had a gas station sausage biscuit, an iced cheese danish and a 24 oz Dr. Pepper.

Pop Culture: I started rereading my Infinity Gauntlet Omnibus, so about 6 issues of Silver Surfer from the 1990s. I also watched Jack Reacher: Never Go Back with my father because he likes action movies.

Day 1: Who I am, What this is

I am almost 40 years old. I live with my parents and have no car of my own. All my possessions are in a 10x10 storage unit that I have been renting for four years now. I work as an estimator for a paint contractor and earn as much as I did in high school jobs. I am single, never married, and currently have no dating prospects. I am bald, very overweight and suffer from rosacea, which leaves me with red blotches all over my face. All that said, I have many people I consider friends and I can keep myself distracted with the best of them.

That's who I am.What this is meant to be, I am not entirely sure yet. I want it to function like my diary but I want it to tell a story of change. Hopefully, for the better. I don't have time to write a buttload every day but I want to update this daily to chart my progress on a few things. Pretty much everything I described in the opening paragraph is something I want to fix (besides having friends). Maybe by tracking my progress, I can look back on this blog in 200 days and think, "Wow, I have come a long way."

Every day I want to track two things: what I eat and any pop culture I consume. Last night, I took a walk for exercise for the first time in months and I want to keep track of that kind of thing, too. I have always wanted to be a writer (in fact, I wrote a novel that no one has read) so this is kind of my space to work out that jones, too.

In terms of food, I had a Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit for breakfast along with four soft batch Chocolate Chip cookies. I drank most of a large bottle of Dr. Pepper with it. For lunch, I ordered 8 wings and breadsticks from Dominos. I ate the wings with blue cheese dressing and the breadsticks with marinara. My mother ate two of the breadsticks so I at least didn't eat them all. Of course, I got hungry and ate a raw weiner as a snack. I have had at least an additional liter of Dr. Pepper today while doing this afternoon eating.

I have watched the season finale of Saturday Night Live (the Rock was hosting) along with an episode of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and Arrested Development. I also watched a Dave Chappelle stand up special from Austin that was quite good. When I update these, I will let you know what I have consumed and watched in the past 24 hours.

Who knows what I will talk about next, probably explain how I got here and why I am having a hard time moving forward.