Day 106: No clever title

It is the second day of a three day weekend that I have absolutely wasted. On Friday, I got together with Adam, Shawn and Mark to discuss making a short film this weekend but the limitations sent to us by the competition were just too limiting. We needed to have a cast and crew ready to go. So we decided to abort. I didn't want to be in the short because I am feeling so goddamn fat. My premise this past week has been to eat breakfast and then eat nothing again until dinner. Kind of a mid-day fast. But I'm not sure it is paying any dividends as this weekend was my dad's 67th birthday and we went out for steaks. The next day, my mom bought a huge platter from Zaxby's, and this morning I resigned myself to eat all the leftover spaghetti I could but there was like, half a dish left. I've been eating way too much even starving myself, is what I'm saying. On top of that, I have no one to hang out with. I am stuck at home, alone, watching episodes of Love.

John and Aubrey and Catherine went to Dragon Con (I was supposed to go back when I had a steady job and a way to pay for it). Jack is doing some weird passive aggressive thing where he is ignoring me. Daryn went to New York to be with her sister after a breakup. And who is left? Betsy seems constantly busy adopting new animals and working on her house. I am no longer welcome at their D&D nights (it was going on way too long but I miss the company). And who else is there? I guess there are places I could go if I just wanted to get out of the house. I could go to Chasing Rabbits or pick up my comics from Richards but it all seems like a waste of time. So I have three empty days and nothing to fill them with. This is depression, people.

Day 96: Today we escape

I think my meds are wrong. I have been depressed now for about two weeks. I upped my anti-depressant but it seems to be working against me. Not sure if external factors are an issue but I started back to work this past Monday. I have been taking online courses and I am nervous I won't succeed at this job. I have to get my disaster of a room clean by next week to satisfy whoever does my check ride. I just watched the WestWing where John Spencer's character dies and it gutted me. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, if I ever did.

We hope that you choke.

Day 91: Depression but I'm almost done

I'm almost done with being unemployed. I have this creeping fear that something is going to knock me out of my new job sooner than later but I can't give in to that. My depression has somehow been worse since I upped my medication. I'm not sure what it means besides I'm not really focused on any one aspect of my life. I have a general malaise on me that makes me not want to move. Today, I had the option to go swimming with my parents, go to a Lovecraft event at 2nd and Charles or try to get together with my cousin for something. I chose to do none of the above. I watched The Defenders on Netflix. And raped my diet all to hell. Not sure what I'm doing here, or when I will feel any better. This slow ass typing isn't helping me any.

Day 77: Some missing days

I was recently at the beach for about five days without access to wi-fi. I wanted to update this journal but literally couldn't. Now, I want to think back about my state of mind during those days off.

Really, I only had three full days of enjoyment, two days were travel. The first night and last morning don't really count. I traveled with my friend, Kirby, and he was going down to (initially) interview for a job but he ended up working 8 to 9 hours each day we were there. So, that left me alone for most of the days with nothing to do as I had no vehicle of my own and limited funds. I had bought and brought along a month's worth of comics from Richards but I blew through most of those the first day.

Monday, I wake up at 8:30 and go downstairs to the Sea Hawk's cantina. I buy a cheese Danish and a cheerwine. The old man running the store has no change for me so I offer to bring him back some ones later. I fall back to sleep at 10 am and sleep until about noon. Then I walk down to Damon's, a restaurant that used to be built on a pier (it is way up high in the air) but there is no longer a pier attached to it. I get mildly drunk and a little maudlin thinking about exes. I eat a prime rib dip and some key lime pie. The whole meal takes me an hour and a half. I walk back to my motel and pay off the front desk guy (actually a different guy so I don't know if the old man ever learned that I paid him back). I read comics and watch Game Show Network until Kirby gets back. We go to play mini-golf at Mount Atlanticus and have a good time. On the way home, we stop to eat at Thorny's (we call it T-Horny's) and have a not very good chicken and ranch dish. We then cruise the strip but see very few people out.

Tuesday, I wake up at 11 or so and walk down to Holiday Sands South, a hotel my family used to stay in when I was merely a teenager. They have a restaurant that overlooks their pool where I ate a ribeye and some cheese fries. I walk back to the hotel but still can't bring myself to do anything. I call my mother and finish my comics. When Kirby gets home we go swimming in the ocean. It knocks the hell out of me so I get out almost immediately. We then swim in the pool and I enjoy that much more. We clean up and then head out to eat. Kirby picks a Crab Buffet called Crabby Mike's or something. The buffet is $35 and the drinks are $5. I barely eat two plates worth of not-seafood and the whole thing costs me $50. We then go to the Hollywood Wax Museum where I took all sorts of photos. We had goofy fun and I bought my parents some souvenirs.

Wednesday, I wake up at 11 or so but this time I order pizza from a flyer I found at the hotel. After eating that, I didn't have much else to do until Kirby came home. I booked our evening at Medieval Times and it cost me $100, so I figured I didn't have much more to work with. When Kirby returned we went out to Medieval Times and had a jolly good time. We checked out the dungeon and we sat in the winning knight's section (yellow). The food was quite good and the combat was exciting to watch. That night, after we got back, I went out to the beach alone to get my thoughts together. The moon was only a half moon but it was shining through some clouds like a big fat eye. There was a firework show at one of the piers to my north so I watched it for awhile. Then, I started thinking about life. I thought about how much inner peace I felt at that moment on that beach, away from all responsibilities and anxiety. I knew that such moments were precious. I also resolved to stick to my dieting when I returned. I don't want to be "too fat to _____" anymore. That list is getting longer and longer. I also thought about growing up and putting away childish things but I'm not sure I am ready for that, yet.

Day 67: It Lingers

Although I increased my meds yesterday, I am incredibly down today. I have shut myself up in my room all day and didn't speak to my parents until after 6pm. That was just because I had to be in the kitchen to cook myself some dinner. I guess it all started this morning when I had to coordinate two of my friends, Mark and Max, with going to see a movie this weekend in Charlotte. Now, I have to leave Greenville at 5:30 and pray we hit no delays or I will be late for the movie. What was supposed to be a fun thing I was going to do now becomes a stressful thing I don't want to do. I've been watching this really shitty season of the West Wing (the one after Sorkin left) and the reason it is so bad is because it comes out of the gray areas of the first four seasons and starts treating politics as absolutes. People get all they want and win, which I am sure is not how politics works. The first four seasons felt like wading through molasses but they also felt true. Now, things are moving fast but unrealistically.

So I started thinking about how I have to compromise sometimes and do things I don't want to do in order to do things I do want to do. Seeing Dunkirk in 70mm is important to me but I don't know if it is worth the hassle of the long drive back and forth. This is after I talked myself out of going to Carowinds with a group of my friends on Saturday. They were going for the water park and all I can imagine is how hot and miserable it will be. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Day 66: Post-Party Depression

I celebrated my 40th Birthday this past weekend by doing my 10th movie marathon in 11 years. Everytime one ends I swear I will never do another but, eventually, the temptation to force my friends into watching movies I like gets too great. The weekend was divided into movies I picked and movies I had never seen that others picked for me.

1) Coffeetown- My mother, John and Aubrey, Adam and Kirby all made it for at least part of this one. I think it went over well. I wasn't embarrassed by it. We started at noon.
2) Roller Town- This one is my sense of humor personified but I am afraid the others didn't get it as much. Ellen, a friend of mine who never shows up to parties, shows up for this and the next one. Neither are the strongest movies I have shown. Mark shows up during this one. So I have my largest group for...
3) Stretch- Not as good as I remembered it with Ed Helms chewing the scenery and Chris Pine giving a ballsy but brief performance. Everything happened so mechanically, I was very embarrassed showing this. Ellen will never trust me again. Mark says it was his favorite.
4)Heist- Probably my favorite of the movies I showed. Adam and Ellen left before it. We ordered food. I still like the movie very much but others didn't care for Mamet's writing.
5) Bone Tomahawk- There was a dinner break with John and Aubrey leaving to feed their dogs. That left me with Mark and Kirby (my mother rejoined us after sitting out Heist). I was going to show a moving about gambling addiction called Mississippi Grind but I called an audible and switched it to Bone Tomahawk to get some horror in the mix. John and Aubrey come back in time for the end.
6) Calvary- I know Kirby left but I think Mark and the Ferrers stayed all the way through this one. The first night ended pretty well but I was super tired.

Day two started at 1pm with...
7) Akira- Adam, Shawn, John and Aubrey made it for this one. Lots of fun.
8) Two for the Road- The same crew for this one. At the end, Adam and Shawn left and Max came in.
9) What's Up, Doc- Just me and Max (and my mom for part) for this one. John and Aubrey went home for the dogs but came back.
10) Rope- Hitchcock with Max, John and Aubrey.
11) Friends of Eddie Coyle- Max left and we were joined by Amanda and Stephen for the second half of the last movie.

That night, I had a cockroach run across me as I tried to sleep. It made it very hard for me to rest (I slept with the lights on). Ever since the party, I have been a little down and out of it. I like being surrounded by friends and watching movies but it goes too quickly. I'm always left with a hollow feeling. This time was no different. Maybe I can explain more tomorrow.

Day 60: Mother

So, today I was talking to my mother in the living room. This isn't an unusual thing, we talk all the time. Right after I told her I was worried about her mental health, she changed the subject to ask about how I approach new people. As I was telling her about this guy I know that I don't like she responded with "That's why you have to be there to teach Mushroom Dan or whatever his name is." It was like having someone fall asleep while talking to you but she was wide awake in the early afternoon. She tried to recover by explaining who Mushroom Dan was but this only made less and less sense as we talked. It terrified me.

My mom is currently dealing with the fact that her husband (my father) is pretty useless. He drinks himself stupid every night and takes pills if the booze doesn't get him there. He is about 400 pounds and falls a lot. He can't get up by himself. He does nothing all day but read books by Tom Clancy and watch sports. His other big thing is telling everyone how to live their lives. A real control freak. So Mom is dealing with that and her own mother, who is sliding into dementia. For my mom and I, dementia is pretty much the check in the mail. I just can't deal with my mother losing her mind yet.

I have been having flashes all night of me as a kid, watching movies and trying to show them to my mom. She would try her best to stay awake but usually nod off halfway through. For a little while, I would poke her couch and try to wake her up but eventually, I would just have to let her go. I don't think I need to belabor the metaphor here. I'm nearly 40 years old and I am scared of losing my mother. Some people don't get their mom for that long or at all. I've been lucky. But when your dad is the way he is and your life has gone how mine has...you treasure the people you can depend on. And mom has always been my rock.

I want to be hers but I'm just not in that place yet. I can't be helpful as her world keeps falling apart. I am trying to be supportive but this is really where siblings would help. Or at least a good wife. Alright, I've cried enough for one post. More on this later.