Day 60: Mother

So, today I was talking to my mother in the living room. This isn't an unusual thing, we talk all the time. Right after I told her I was worried about her mental health, she changed the subject to ask about how I approach new people. As I was telling her about this guy I know that I don't like she responded with "That's why you have to be there to teach Mushroom Dan or whatever his name is." It was like having someone fall asleep while talking to you but she was wide awake in the early afternoon. She tried to recover by explaining who Mushroom Dan was but this only made less and less sense as we talked. It terrified me.

My mom is currently dealing with the fact that her husband (my father) is pretty useless. He drinks himself stupid every night and takes pills if the booze doesn't get him there. He is about 400 pounds and falls a lot. He can't get up by himself. He does nothing all day but read books by Tom Clancy and watch sports. His other big thing is telling everyone how to live their lives. A real control freak. So Mom is dealing with that and her own mother, who is sliding into dementia. For my mom and I, dementia is pretty much the check in the mail. I just can't deal with my mother losing her mind yet.

I have been having flashes all night of me as a kid, watching movies and trying to show them to my mom. She would try her best to stay awake but usually nod off halfway through. For a little while, I would poke her couch and try to wake her up but eventually, I would just have to let her go. I don't think I need to belabor the metaphor here. I'm nearly 40 years old and I am scared of losing my mother. Some people don't get their mom for that long or at all. I've been lucky. But when your dad is the way he is and your life has gone how mine has...you treasure the people you can depend on. And mom has always been my rock.

I want to be hers but I'm just not in that place yet. I can't be helpful as her world keeps falling apart. I am trying to be supportive but this is really where siblings would help. Or at least a good wife. Alright, I've cried enough for one post. More on this later.