Day 41: Car Anxiety to the max!

After buying some comics and going to see Baby Driver last night with John and Aubrey, I found my worst nightmares about the car coming true. My mother informs me at 11 this morning that the title has come in and we are meeting my uncle in Hendersonville at 2pm to get it. Hendersonville is about 45 minutes from Greenville. Today was the last day to get my car registered before rates go up. Of course, to register your car, you have to pay property taxes first. Everything, timing wise, seemed stacked against us. There was also this lingering problem of proof of insurance...would it be required? If so, we had even less time than we thought.

We get to Hendersonville at 1:30 and my uncle says he'll be another hour. Unless we want to meet him closer to where he lives. Mom and I drive another half hour away and meet him in Arden, NC. We finally meet him and get the documents signed over. Mother and I are stuck in a traffic jam on I-26 so that we are still in North Carolina at 3:30. We rush into Greenville and I make my way through the two offices at the tax collection section I needed to get my bill and pay my bill. I ended up in line behind a nice young couple who were also in front of me at the DMV. They let me borrow a pen and clipboard. I got out of the DMV at five til 5. They close at 5pm. I somehow got all the paperwork done in the pouring rain with the help of mom driving like a maniac.  She has so much road rage, I see where I get it from.

As a nice topper, we stopped for food at Pete's after calling in the order. They left out half of it. After waiting 30 minutes in the drive through line, I had to go in and wait another fifteen. To make matters even better, our television is on the fritz and my dad has lots of opinions about that. Trying to fix the tv, I broke our internet connection. Charter had to fix it all remotely but the tv is still down. Now, I have a new cloud of anxiety over me in that dad will pout until it is fixed. And I don't know how to fix it.

Tomorrow, I get the actual car!

Day 40: Car Anxiety

You might remember awhile back I was going to buy a car from my uncle. He couldn't find the title. He had to order a duplicate title. We are waiting for that duplicate title to show up. If it doesn't show up in the next couple of hours, I am out a new $250 car registration fee that South Carolina put into effect to help pay for road repair. My mother is even more anxious than me. I have resigned myself to having to pay this fee. It will eat up one whole unemployment payment but whatever.

If the call to rush up to Brevard doesn't come through, I am going to go ahead and secure my money for July this afternoon. And then I am going on a comic book buying spree as it has been about a month since I have been to either store. And then I am grabbing some food and then seeing Baby Driver with my friends. That seems like a nice, solid afternoon without all the rushing around. We'll see how it all turns out.

Day 39: Trivia and some money

Last night I met my old friend, Kirby, to go play trivia at a restaurant called Gringo's downtown. We barely made it in time to get seats. We sat outside and played in the nice evening breeze. The food took forever to get there but we had three baskets of chips and queso in the meantime. The categories were war movies (I only missed one, about Grave of the Fireflies), science (should have gotten seven out of ten, got six due to a dumb mistake), Star Wars (seven out of eight because I fell for a trick question) and random (we tied for first but I lost the tiebreaker). One thing I learned is that there are just so many beautiful women in the world. I was enthralled by all the sights. Makes me want to get my act together that much more. I've been thinking today about joining a gym.

Much to my surprise, when I got home last night, I found I had been paid unemployment benefits. That is strange as Kirby has not filled out the paperwork to approve me. Which means either they didn't wait and just started paying me (which sounds weird) or Jimmy (the guy who fired me) approved it. Either way, the money is mine now, bitches.

Day 38: Visiting the Grandparents

Today has been interesting. Later tonight, I'll go out and play trivia with my oldest friend but in the meantime, I am home alone and enjoying the air conditioning. After going to lunch with my mother, I went with my parents to visit my father's parents (yes, my grandparents). They are in a nursing home across town and my father drove the whole way there and back. My mother was smart enough to sit in the back seat because my father's driving style can best be described as "barely present." He takes his eyes off the road for any and no reason. He texts, he calls people, he drifts into other lanes and then gets angry when he can't get back into the lane he drifted out of. My stomach was in knots both to and from the nursing home. Things were bad.

Getting to my grandparents nursing home, I realized I hadn't seen them in about a year. My grandmother had no idea who I was and she looks so much like my great-grandmother now it is scary. My grandfather used the word butthole in front of me and indicated the word "shit" in a story. These are new developments. In hearing all about my cousins, I realized I am somewhere in the middle of the success factor as far as grandkids go. Two of my cousins have grown up with nothing but privilege and are leading kind of gadabout lifestyles that are taking them all over the globe. On my other uncle's side, there is an out of wedlock baby from a drug addict dad and all sorts of other drama more indicative of the white trash from which I sprang. I think the cousin who is doing best is Sara, who is married and making crazy money as a nurse. That's some good work if you can get it. Here I am, the 40 year old and oldest of the grandkids, accomplishing nothing fast.

Day 37: Outside the Comfort Zone

I went outside my comfort zone in a couple of ways today. I went out to lunch with a friend who I don't often hang out alone with, Mark. He is a really good guy and the conversation was not as awkward as I was worried about. I gave him his random Christmas present (I give gifts randomly throughout the year to save myself money in December) and returned a movie of his I had promised to return from a mutual friend months ago. We are both movie lovers so, the talk comes easily for 45 minutes or so.

The other thing I tried to do was introduce myself to a young lady who runs a tea shop in downtown and offer to host a trivia night. I kind of hate being the center of attention except when it comes to trivia contests. Unfortunately, her mother was running the shop today. I came home and wrote her on facebook. I kind of felt like a character in a Victorian era novel needing a letter of introduction from my friend Aubrey. By throwing her name around, maybe I can make some strides. According to facebook, she saw the message seven minutes ago but has not responded. Probably trying to contain her glee, right?

And that has been my day outside the house. I came home to find no one here, which suits me just fine. Time to relax with some Netflix and comics. Back in my comfort zone.

Day 36: The 24 hour Film Challenge

Been away for a few days, partly because of depression but mostly because I was away from my computer devices doing a 24 Hour Film Challenge with my friends. Adam contacted me on Friday and asked if I wanted to help him and John with making a movie in 24 hours. I drove down to his house with my toothbrush and a Coke Zero. When John arrived and we received the prompts they were: a theme of "a memory," a prop of "a puddle," and an action of "dressing." We were originally going to shoot something outside but it started raining. We realized we would have to shoot in the garage so we drifted to thoughts of a band of friends getting back together to play their old songs. While hashing everything out, someone came up with the idea of each person doing internal monologues and I threw out an absurd joke (I wish all these assholes would leave so I could get this buried treasure). It was just a non sequiter joke that I like but John latched onto it and wanted to make sure this was the thing that made our entry different. We talked for hours about the logistics of the comedy, do we sing a song about the treasure or do we play it straight for as long as we can and then bust out the absurd?

I have to say, I had a clear opinion the whole way and that helped make a lot of our decisions we were wishy washy on. Even though Shawn came up with an improv'd song about the treasure being right beneath our feet, it didn't work with the logical flow of the rest of the story. We ended up filming Friday night for about an hour and a half and all of it was unusable.

On Saturday, after a few hours of sleep, Mark came around to help us which gave us someone to actually film the thing dynamically while the rest of us acted. We finally figured out a ridiculous ending to the whole thing and we shot all the footage in about three and a half hours. I went home to crash after a night of little sleep, no clothing change and no shower. There was some last minute tension as we had all left Adam to do the final editing and his job called him in for an emergency. We still somehow submitted on time. One day, I'll post the video here.

Watching the finished product today, I feel like I look awful. A "sentient bag of garbage" is the best way to describe my mode. I gotta do something about this but what?

Also, watched a Columbo last night...always a pleasure.

Day 33: Cabin Fever

Oy, I woke up this morning wanting to do something, anything differently with my day. Unfortunately, my mind is not very nimble. I almost just volunteered to organize Richard Morgan's basement full of random comics. I'm not sure that is a good move so I am saving the email as a draft. My appetite has been gone recently. I am thirsty a lot but have no stomach for food right now. I guess this is summer depression setting in. I've thought about going to art galleries or something but going alone (or with my mother) seems sad. I am still fantasizing about swimming but the Aquatic center I was looking into changed its hours so that they make no sense now. It lists when you can't do certain things instead of when you can, which seems harsh.

I am almost through my reading of Journey Into Mystery comics. I think I will start Secret Invasion next. If I knew where every issue of Secret Wars was, I might look into that again. Things are just moving very slowly. I wish they would nail down that training class so I could go ahead and get ready. Again, I am not going to illustrate today until I have something worth illustrating.

Day 32: The Ennui

Oh man, it is getting to me. I woke up at 10am after a night of bad sleep. I ate breakfast, talked to Kirby for awhile, watched a Young Justice and then fell back to sleep. I just got up to shower at 3pm. My father is already asking me to go get beer even though my mother already bought him some. This is one reason I hate living at home, I am my father's valet. He lets me say no sometimes but eventually, I need to leave the house for something and there he is, doing the ultimate "while you're up" game. Thinking about how I am going to deal with that is my main thought process through a day: When will I be asked to go get my alcoholic father more beer?

I have no appetite today. I skipped my psych meds on accident last night. I need to start taking them with my face medicine, so at least I will always have them. This entry isn't even worth a photo. It is basically me just checking in and whining. More tomorrow, I'm sure.

Day 31: First Day of Summer

Here is one practical consideration that makes staying at my parents' house a pain in the summer: the vent through which the magical air conditioning flows is blocked by my bed. In fact, almost any way you configure my room, my vent is going to be blocked. I think I have figured out a way to tetris the whole thing around but it will take just so much effort to get it done.

I am back to facing my fat problem. How do I deal with being so large? How can I reverse this while living in a house of pies and fried fat? How can I get exercise when the smallest movement makes me burst out in a horrible sweat? I come back to swimming again but how do I deal with my fear of taking my shirt off in front of others? Will I ever work up the nerve to start anything?

I watched some old George Sanders movies last night. I like that guy.

Day 30: Movie Marathon planning

Today, I speInt most of the morning putting together plans for my birthday movie marathon. I am holding the marathon in July this year since people keep backing out in December. As it stands, I will be missing friends like Alix and Catherine even having it over the summer. I almost put in the Fountain today because that is one of my favorite movies I have never shown at a marathon. However, it seems like a pretty divisive movie as well. I think everyone who was going to like it has already seen it. I second guessed one of my leftover movies from last year. I had the Pierce Brosnan Heist but the Gene Hackman movie is legit better so, going with that. I put in a dinner hour and moved the start time back to noon on Saturday. I also second guessed my midnight movie, Proxy. I remember a semi-raunchy lesbian sex scene towards the beginning that may not play for everyone. I'm not even counting the scene of a pregnant belly getting beaten with a brick in the first five minutes of the movie. Maybe I'll find a more gentle midnight movie.

Thinking about movies I want to show my friends and movies that will make me happy is tough to do. The movie Stretch is another I am worried about. It is Joe Carnahan, a notoriously divisive director, making a kind of action comedy movie that worked well for me. Of course, I love Smokin Aces where most people find it tedious. I'm afraid Stretch is where I might lose John (his opinion matters more than most to me). He has such solid taste in movies it always hurts a little when he comes out against something I find some joy in.

My other big issue is trying to figure out where I can find all these movies. Of all of them, only Heist is unavailable online (weird, huh?). Even Roller Town is on Youtube. I will, hopefully, be able to cobble a collection together before the marathon, even with my meager self-allowance of $12 a day.

Day 29: Father's Day

This is a safe place, right? I mean, no one is reading this so I can be as honest as I want. I guess I should talk a little about my father and what he means to me. First, right up front, no one pisses me off like he does. He has a very controlling way about him. He is bad about telling you to do things and then telling you how he wants those things done...even if they are things you have had a handle on for literally decades (he tells me to eat slowly, that drives me nuts). The second thing you must understand is that he is an alcoholic in deep denial. He wets himself like a child. He can't go a day without about a dozen beers and that habit is costly. My patience for his controlling and manipulative nature is zero when he is drunk, which is a lot.

Those are the bad things. He is also hard of hearing due to an illness he had as a child. He suffered nerve damage in his ears and so you have to repeat yourself just so many times to get him to understand a complex sentence. As you raise your voice, he gets defensive and usually, someone's feelings get hurt. I would probably be irritable, too, if I couldn't hear.

On the good side of the ledger, he cares a lot about people and can be very generous. He really is, emotionally, a big kid. He gets his feelings hurt easily and lashes out when he feels attacked. He writes poetry that rhymes but it is endearing. He knows what he likes and sticks to that.

Unfortunately, we don't like the same things. As much as I feel like I can talk to my mom, I feel like I literally can't talk to my dad due to his hearing problems. I know he will misunderstand half of what I say or miss it completely, so we don't do heart to hearts. Living with him is a chore but I'm sure living with me is as well. I can't wait to get my own place again. I'm not sure if I will ever see eye to eye with him while we share this earth but I do love him. I hope I can one day use some of the better things he has taught me to be a father myself.

Day 28: The day before Father's Day.

Probably because I skipped my meds last night, I am in a quiet, down mood today. Heroescon is going on this weekend and I can't go due to money issues. Again, my friends are there but I just can't make it. I had a good time at the Huey Lewis concert last night, despite a kind of shit crowd who boo'd new songs.

I just watched a movie about Cary Grant and how jacked up his childhood was. How that informed his many marriages but also made him a strong father. Here, on this day before father's day, it got me thinking about how far away I am from being a father. I feel very isolated and a million degrees from "being on someone's radar." A recurrent theme in some of my conversations lately is that I don't know if I'll ever be good at relationships. I can be bitter all day but the honest fact is that every woman who rejected me was absolutely right in doing so. I am a bad bet, and not getting any better.

I look down at this gut and think, "it is going to take so much more than walking every other day to get rid of this." It is going to take a whole lifestyle change. I don't know how much strength and willpower I have left. Yesterday was a bad day for my diet rules because I really didn't have three meals, just two meals and some snacks. I don't know, things seem dark today but maybe they will seem better tomorrow.

I think I am giving up on the food journal and the pop culture recap for now. If something was really good, I'll talk about it. Like, I watched Young Guns 2 today, still a comfort meal of a movie for me. It made me think about my own birthday marathon I have coming up and whether I can pull it off with no budget.

Day 27: I spaced

So I totally spaced on Day 26 which is probably not a bad thing. Unlike my horror blog (which must be 365 entries long) this one is kind of a catch as catch can diary. I still hope to update every day but who knows?

Yesterday was strange in that I woke up from a dream where a friend of mine told me she loves me. I don't think this friend has any feelings for me IRL but the dream was one of those that shakes you a bit and makes you wonder if anyone has any secret crushes. Of course, then you look at yourself in a mirror and realize the only crush you'll get is an orange one, you fat fuck. Ah, but I am too hard on myself, maybe.

I have been walking more for exercise and trying to figure out what to do with my days. Tonight, I go with my friend Daryn to see Huey Lewis and the News, which should be tons of fun. And then we power into Father's Day weekend which can be a minefield for me. I'll be missing Heroescon, one of the two cons that bookend the summer. Hopefully, I will be able to go to Dragon Con, we'll see.

Food since last time: Working backward, I had breakfast casserole for brunch today with a Dr. Pepper. For lunch, technically all I had was an ice cream sandwich and Coke Zero. Last night, I had a vanilla milkshake and some reece's pieces for dinner. I washed it down with more coke zero. For lunch I had an oven pizza with extra cheese and a DP. Prior to that was my SEC muffin and three mini-crullers. Prior to that, I had some ramen for dinner the night before and a DP.

Pop Culture: Mostly comics and some Documentary Now. I did see RIfftrax live summer shorts. That was fun.

Day 25: What do I do with this Sweet Sweet Information

So, I have a between a month and almost two months ahead of me with nothing to do but be patient. There is a wishful part of me that sees me running laps and busting ass to get in shape during this down time but...that's not going to happen. I see myself rewriting the heist novel I lost when my last laptop blew up but I would want to do that outside the house. I see myself volunteering maybe somewhere that needs me.

I meant to talk about this with my therapist yesterday but I had to catch her up on the last month of minor triumphs and setbacks like getting a start date on my job but getting fired from my other one. She seems to think that getting paid unemployment will be easy...I hope so. She also thinks I need to up my meds, which seems risky at the moment. Not sure what to do with all this free time, but I'm sure it will pass somehow.

Food since last time: My friend made me two hot dogs I ate with a Coke Zero. For dinner, I made cheese fries and barbecued sausage. For breakfast I had my SEC muffin and three mini-crullers with a DP. For lunch, I had a bologna and cheese sandwich with barbecue chips and a DP. Today began my rule of no snacking.

Pop Culture: I watched Oh, Hello Live on Broadway, read some comics and watched a few episodes of Alone with my mother (that is the show Alone which I watched in the company of my mother not a show called Alone With my Mother).

Day 24: Sweet Sweet Information

My gambit to contact SCIS paid off yesterday. I made myself very apologetic and respectfully requested any kind of update. As I figured, it is a problem of knowing when the next training session is. It could start on July 10th (please, Jesus) or July 31st (I mean, I'll take it but...). So now I have definite dates to work with. And that is making a huge difference. I figured out that the latest I could be getting a new paycheck is August 25th (that's if training starts on the 31st and I am off cycle on paychecks and there is a one paycheck lag time). I was able to work out a budget for the summer to make sure all my bills get paid and I maybe even get to have some fun. But not too much.

Having an actual start date (kind of) is a weird feeling. The first possible one is almost a month away. I am trying to figure out if I can game the unemployment system to get some scratch in the meantime. Otherwise, this is going to be a long summer. I need to get a routine going. Maybe I can start that swimming that I want to do. I need some kind of structure to get me through this summer. Oh, today is the day I am supposed to win a million dollars. THat will certainly take some of the pressure off this summer. Wonder when I can find out about that? Sometime today is all I know. Oh well.

Food since last time: Yesterday for lunch I had some angus steakburger hotpocket things with chips and a DP. For dinner I had sausages chopped up in mac n cheese with some DP. For dessert I had cookies and creme oreos. This morning I had my usual 3 mini-crullers and SEC muffin.

Pop Culture: I read a lot more comics (Original Sin, What If and Spider-Man) and watched some more Documentary Now. I also watched a movie called Sun Choke.

Day 23: Inertia

Now it is Monday and a full four days have passed since I was let go. The shock has worn off but a comfortable routine of sleeping in and reading comics has developed. I have taken a couple of runs at an email to SCIS to find out what my status might be but everything comes off as accusatory or whiny. I did fill out my unemployment thing yesterday and now they only require two searches in their online job database a week to count as "looking for work." The last time I tried to do this, I had to record online applications as well as in person attempts. This seems easier.

At any rate, I have my list of temp agencies, I am just scared to start reaching out. Getting a truly temp job would be great but it seems far fetched. I won't know until I try. I do know that I will have to start hitting my savings as of next week so that won't be fun. I know I need to do something, it is just that doing nothing with this great job waiting out there for me is easier.

Food since last time: I ate a can of spaghetti-os for lunch with Dr. Pepper. For dinner, my parents broke my long boycott of Hardees by getting me the rib burger thing, which was not worth ending the boycott. I had four cups of water yesterday, which I think is pretty good. This morning I had an SEC muffin, three mini-crullers and a cup of Dr. Pepper.

Pop Culture: Reading a bunch of Original Sin comics from Marvel, watched Win It All and some episodes of Documentary Now. Also watched a Simpons and Bobs Burgers with my mom last night.

Day 22: A New Wrinkle

I received a text message yesterday from my former boss/still friend, Kirby, saying that if I applied for unemployment fast enough, he would approve it. I have never successfully received unemployment before but this is exactly the circumstance for it. I'm glad he reminded me before I started applying to temp agencies, because I can use them for sure. I am curious to see if this works this time.

In the meantime, I went walking again and it still kicked my ass. I am so very out of shape it is not funny. I stood in the mirror yesterday and just took in the vast expanse of my belly. Like a teletubby, you could comfortably project a movie on it (except for the hairs getting in the way). I keep finding deeper notches on my belt, which would suggest I am losing a little weight but not much and not fast. The main problem is that I sit in my bed all day. I mean, at work, I would be sitting in my office all day so the difference is one of comfort at best. We'll see how this next week goes towards getting me moving.

Food since last time: I went to the grocery store yesterday and picked up McDonalds on the way home. I had a quarter pounder with cheese, a large fry and (even though I ordered DP) a Diet Coke. Then, for dinner, I had a bologna and cheese sandwich with some chips and Dr. Pepper. I drank some water in between. This morning, I had a SEC muffin with three mini-crullers and a Dr. Pepper. Not sure what to do about lunch yet.

Pop Culture: I finished off Comedy Bang Bang and watched The Legend of the Drunken Master. Besides that, a few more comics and my puzzle quest game.

Day 21: The Haze of Unemployment

And I thought it was boring going through the same old routine at work everyday. Being unemployed is a constant feeling of pressure like I should be doing something more productive. I can't really relax and appreciate the fact I have free time now. All I'm doing is watching shows and reading comics but it isn't very entertaining. Yesterday, I updated my resume and made a list of all the temp agencies in Greenville. I also figured out if I was too fat for my khaki pants in case I needed to go on interviews. That almost felt like I was accomplishing something.

I feel like I should reach out to my company again and let them know what is going on but, what difference would it make? Maybe I could just ask what they think the wait time will be so I can plan accordingly. I guess I am still shaking off the shock and bold action will become more clear as the days pass. I have spent $2 in the past two days but the time is quickly approaching for me to spend more. My credit card payment gets taken out today and I have therapy on Tuesday, all of that will set me back $200 and then it is only a matter of time before I have to hit my savings. Things are stressful now and no fun.

Food since last time: My mother gave me her leftovers from a lunch sometime last week which was half a cheeseburger and some fries. That held me over until I had my double shot of beef ramen for dinner. I've had two mini-crullers today but that is it. I need to go to the grocery store but that is a whole other conundrum.

Pop Culture: I watched the pretty lousy 1000000 Ways to Die in the West, read a bunch of Siege comics, watched Comedy Bang Bang and also the movie The Discovery.

Day 20: What Now?

I had been hoping for a vacation but not quite like this. I was hoping I could still earn money during the vacation, of course. As it stands, I am now shaking off he shock of yesterday and trying to figure out where to go from here. Yesterday, after the firing, was weird. My parents took me out for a huge steak dinner (my dad had been promising one to my mom for weeks) and then I heard from one of my best friends (Daryn) that she was coming to town and wanted to hang out. She hadn't heard about my firing yet, it was just a coincidence.

After she and I took a walk around Furman Lake, I sank into shutdown mode where I find some comic book related project to occupy my time. I bought a $2 online comic and immediately felt guilty. Every dollar is going to count going forward until I get money again. That is the big question mark hanging over everything. When and how will I get money again? I might have outlined yesterday how most temp jobs around here are temp to hire. Temp agencies usually won't touch you if they know you are going to be abandoning them. Of course, my drawing for one million dollars is next week so that could help. Heh. It seemed like less of a sick joke when I didn't really need it.

I will be updating my resume today and, other than that, I am not sure what to do with my time. I slept in until 10. I read comics all morning and had kind of a breakfast (see below). Everything feels weird to me.

Food since last time: My parents took me in mid-afternoon to Texas Roadhouse where I had a 12 oz ribeye, some fries, a salad and a buttery roll. I drank two cokes and an Angry Orchard Cider. After that, I was pretty full so I only had a bologna and cheese sandwich with a few oreos for dinner.

Pop Culture: I watched another Comedy Bang Bang episode and read a bunch of Siege comics from Marvel as well as X-Men Schism.

Day 19: Fired!

Well, this was certainly a surprise. I knew the business at which I worked was having some cash flow problems but not to the point where I would get fired on a Thursday morning. I came to work like usual, had my breakfast, started getting down to the business of looking as busy as possible and then, bam! Jimmy (the company owner and an older gentleman despite his name) came in and gave me my walking papers. I was shocked, floored. I had no idea. I was very polite, of course. When I spoke with Kirby, we both almost started tearing up.

This comes at a bad-ish time. I guess there is never a great time to get fired but...I haven't gotten a start date from my new company. On top of that, I have about $2000 saved up (I was saving it for a car) but I might have to use it now to pay my bills for the next few months. I have no idea when my new job is going to come through, which is going to make getting a job in the meantime very, very tricky.

Temp agencies in this town want to place you to be hired, not to actually work as a temp temp. But since I don't know how long I need a job for...things could get tricky. Oh, so the reason I was fired was not because I sit at work and write blog posts all day. It was actually because the cash flow problem is so bad that something had to go and I was the next least essential piece of the puzzle. Here's to being superfluous.

Food since last time: I made an oven pizza last night and ate half of it. I drank DP with it. This morning, I had my SEC biscuit and 3 mini-crullers with a DP. For lunch I just had a leftover slice of that pizza and a glass of DP.

Pop Culture: I watched an old Simpsons last night (King-Sized Homer) and the Sarah Silverman special called Speck of Dust.

Day 18: Writing

Having finished a good book last night, writing has been on my mind today. I wrote an entire novel over the past couple of years that only three people have ever read all the way through. Last year, I wrote most of a second novel and lost it when a computer melted down. It was very tragic. I keep meaning to rewrite it from a new angle but I haven't found my muse yet.

Instead, I dusted off a script I wrote for a radio program my friends and I have done before. It is meant to be funny, but I find it hard to write comedy. I think this one actually worked well. My other kind of ongoing project is trying to figure out how to write a literary query to an agent that doesn't sound stupid. Ironically, for an entry called "Writing" I don't feel much like doing it right now.

Food since last time: I had chicken nuggets with barbecue sauce and fries from Jack N the Box for lunch yesterday (with a large DP). For dinner I had mac n cheese mixed up with cut up hot dogs and more DP. For breakfast today, I had my SEC biscuit and three mini-crullers, along with a bottle of DP. And just now for lunch, I had a fried chicken salad from Zaxby's with a large DP to drink.

Pop Culture: I finished the latest season of Kimmy Schmidt as well as The Hike. I must now find new things to watch/read.

Day 17: The Boredom of Daily Life

Being a Tuesday, the worst day of the week, hands down, I figured I would talk about what goes into my daily routine. Every day, I get up at 7:10am and shower. I dress and then I am off to work by 8am. When I get to work one of two things happen, either Jimmy (the owner of the company) is here or he isn't. If he is here, I have to at least look busy the entire time he's here, which causes me to burn through the small amount of actual work I have to do everyday. If he isn't here, I can pace myself a little better and spread my work throughout the day. The other benefit to Jimmy absence is that I can ask Kirby questions about my assignments. Kirby is monopolized by Jimmy when both of them are here. When Kirby is here and free, sometimes we can shoot the breeze for half an hour and that kills some work time. No matter what, Jimmy is gone by 11 and Kirby usually leaves around lunch time to visit job sites.

So the afternoons are these long stretches where I sometimes have absolutely nothing to do. Since I use my own computer here at work, I don't feel guilty surfing the net but there are limits to how much one can surf without a specific target. Some days I literally sit here and fall asleep. On days where I was able to parcel out the morning work easier, I save myself some work to do in the afternoon but those days are scarce. Instead, it is mostly the monotony of having eight hours to fill and nothing to fill it with. That is why, around 11am, I start my blogging in hopes that it will carry me to lunch.

Food since last time: My dinner last night was four slices of pepperoni, bacon and extra cheese pizza with a coke (they were out of cold Dr. Pepper at Wal-mart). For dessert, I had four cookies and creme oreos. This morning, I had my usual SEC biscuit and three mini-cruellers with a DP. I am drinking a Coke Zero now and waiting for lunch.

Pop Culture: Another Kimmy Schmidt and more of The Hike for me, along with some War Machine comics.

Day 16: Back to Work

The weekend is over and my uncle still can't find the title for the car I am going to buy from him. So, back to work in my father's Jeep. I accidentally left my wallet at home today so I had to borrow money from Kirby (my boss/friend) for lunch. I have actually had some work to do so things aren't passing as slowly as they usually do when I grapple for something to help kill time. I have really been enjoying the book I read half of this weekend. I can't wait to be done with groceries tonight so I can get back to reading it.

There isn't much to report today. Same old, same old. I don't want this blog just to be a diary but some days, that is exactly what it will be. Oh well.

Food since last time: For dinner last night, my father ordered pizza from Fox's Pizza Den. I had three slices of pepperoni, bacon and extra cheese. I drank a Dr. Pepper with my food. This morning, I had my SEC biscuit, four soft batch cookies and a Dr. Peppper. For lunch, I had a Dave's Single from Wendy's with a large fry and Dr. Pepper.

Pop Culture: I am over halfway through The Hike and loving it. I watched some more Kimmy Schmidt and read some War Machine comics. Other than that, not too much pop culture to report.

Day 15: Loneliness

If I had to use one word to define my adult life, it would be loneliness. While I have some great friends, I don't always feel connected to them. I just finished watching a season of Master of None where Aziz Ansari's Dev has an emotional affair with his engaged friend because the two of them feel a connection when they are with each other. Some of the episodes hit close to home because, the last two times I got involved with someone, they were already involved with someone else. For awhile there, I was the professional "other guy" waiting for the primary relationships to end so I could be with a girl. Neither of them left their boyfriends and I was stuck alone each time.

Since then, and this is piggbacking off the topic from a few days ago where I was whining about not having sex, I meet people and talk to people but I don't feel connected to anyone. Most of my female friends have significant others and, even if I weren't totally burned out on being the other guy, we don't seem to connect in a profound way. Gone are the days when I could just talk to someone for hours about nothing at all and everything. Those effortless conversations seem to permanently be in the past and my life is emptier without them. Of all my male friends, only one liked having deep conversations but they would usually just end up being about him.

So, while I have activity partners and people I can go do fun things with, I don't have anyone I consider close to me. And this isn't in regards to sharing personal news, I am not that protective of the details of my life, but more in the realm of taking an event and exploring the emotional and intellectual implications of it. That is a lost art. If any of my friends read this, I hope this doesn't upset you. I love my friends the way they are, I just wish I had a few more with some different skill sets.

Food since last time: I had an SEC biscuit and two mini-cruellers this morning with a bottle of DP. For lunch, I had a ramen double shot and two weiners with another bottle of DP. Otherwise, it has been water for me today.

Pop Culture: Finished my comics (James Bond, Moon Knight, etc) and read about ten more chapters in The Hike. I watched an MST3k and Kimmy Schmidt as well has finished the most recent season of Master of None.

Day 14: Non-Developments

After attending a lovely little birthday party for my friend, Catherine, last night, I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend of not a helluva lot to do. I woke up at 11 today and my mother and I picked up my grandmother so the three of us could go to Brevard and maybe buy a new car. I went and drove it. It had all the features I want except a busted tape deck for an audio system. There is a scratch mark running over the gas door that makes it impossible to close. There is animal fur and paw marks all over it. But all said, I was going to drive it back to Greenville today for $1700 (about $200 over Blue Book). Unfortunately, my uncle couldn't find the title. And we sat there for at least an hour while he tore his house apart looking for it. So, we left, without a car and me without spending any money. Now I can set up insurance and move the money around before we do the swap next weekend. At least a decision has been made but like all things in my life these days, I will have to wait to reap the rewards.

Food since last time: For dinner last night, I ate a chicken sandwich from Chik-Fil-A in a large combo with a Dr. Pepper. I drank Coke Zero the rest of the night. I had a Lavender Vanilla Cupcake at the party. I woke up this morning and ate two mini-cruellers with a half cup of DP. Then my mom and I got Bojangles. I had roasted chicken bites with fries and a biscuit and a medium DP. I drank a coke zero all afternoon. For dinner, I had a frozen pepperoni and bacon pizza with some extra cheese slapped on. I drank about a liter of DP. Just water from here on out tonight.

Pop Culture: I started a new book called The Hike and watched a Kimmy Schmidt. Most of the afternoon was reading comics I bought yesterday: Cable, Spider-Man, Secret Empire, Star Wars, Infamous Iron Man, The Avengers and some more. Looking forward to doing more pop culture tomorrow.

Day 13: Car Developments

I was going to write about Master of None and the excellent portrayal of emotional affairs but that can wait. There has been a development on the car front. As you may know, I have been saving up money to afford a down payment on a (new) used car. I have a very stupid list of requirements based on deficient cars from my past. I want air conditioning, power windows, automatic transmission, a decent sound system and, besides that, being less than 100k miles would be nice. Also, if it was made in the past 10 years. I have a little alert at cars.com to tell me when new ones come available in my area.

My uncle recently lost his wife. I'm not going to get to into it but this isn't all bad. My uncle is now looking to sell a car he got for free from my grandmother and my mom thinks it would be a perfect car for me. It is a 2000 or 2001 Buick LeSabre with less than 100k miles. So already, a strike and a plus. It meets all my stupid needs except for sound system (I think it has a tape deck, to be honest). But, the price range is well within what I have saved up for a down payment on a used car. Apparently, at some point, my uncle ran it into a ditch and wanged it up pretty badly but got it repaired also. Also apparently, he has hit a tree or something while backing up. The guy is kind of a disaster, is what I'm saying but maybe the car is still in good running condition? I'm going to check it out this weekend and see if I want to spend my hard saved money up on it or something else altogether.

Food since last time: I ate a Son of Baconator combo for lunch yesterday with large fries and a large Dr. Pepper. I drank Coke Zero throughout the afternoon and then for dinner had a large can of Spaghetti-os with some added cheese. I ate that with a large cup of Dr. Pepper to drink. This morning, I had my SEC biscuit with 3 mini-cruellers. I had a 16.9 oz Dr. Pepper and then Coke Zero the rest of the morning. For lunch, I had 8 mild wings with blue cheese and some fries. I drank two very iced cups of Dr. pepper while I ate. Now, I am back at the office, drinking Coke Zero.

Pop Culture: Pretty mild again, besides my Marvel Puzzle Quest, I showed my mother the first few episodes of Kimmy Schmidt so she could get a grounding for the show and watch some new ones with me. I watched two new ones and called it a night.

Day 12: A Case of the Spring Hornies

Man, was yesterday a trying day for me. At work, I don't have terribly much to do (which is how I am able to write these blog entries). I am trying to figure out how much to reveal here. Is anyone I know reading this? Will they eventually? Will I be judged harshly for my very human failings? Can I expect blowback from being honest?

Well, look, a friend of mine was doing a promotion for her retail store where she and other staff members were hanging out on the street in only aprons. While my friend is an attractive woman, I am not attracted to her personally (if that makes sense?). Still, upon reading about this promotion, I became obsessed with seeing pictures of anyone involved. Now, I knew there wouldn't be any gratuitous nudity but it stoked my imagination in a way that hasn't happened for a couple of years, at least. I searched for webcams and photographic evidence of the promotion. When pics finally did start rolling in, there was absolutely nothing to get excited about. It was all done very modestly and tastefully. But it signaled to me that I might be desperately lonely when it comes to female interaction. Did I mention I was at work during all of this?

I haven't been on a date in about five years and haven't been intimate with a woman over four years. This includes no kissing, no petting, no nothing. I have lived like a monk since before I moved to Kansas City. I may have mentioned earlier that I am grossly overweight and, even if I met a girl crazy enough to want to get some of this, I would not feel confident enough to pursue any moves. Whenever I think about losing weight, it is almost always just so I can maybe get back out on the dating scene.

I just started a new program that I'm hoping will unfold over the next six months and cause me to lose some weight. Step one was the elimination of calorie-packed sodas between meals. I'll talk step two when I get there. In the meantime, I have to continue wondering what is going to trip my trigger next and make me girl crazy?

Food since last time: I ordered a small cheese pizza from Dominos and ate the whole damn thing at lunch with one bottle of Dr. Pepper. For dinner, I had leftover cajun sausages and mac. I added barbecue sauce to the sausage and grated cheese to the mac but it wasn't a big meal. I had a cup of Dr. Pepper with it. This morning, due to thievery by someone in my house, my morning DP was stolen so I had to go buy a larger one to wash down my SEC biscuit and three mini-cruellers. I have been sticking to Coke Zero between meals as per my deal.

Pop Culture: I started rereading some old Ms. Marvel comics last night but mostly watched Master of None and Kimmy Schmidt. Master of None has inspired my next entry.