Day 29: Father's Day

This is a safe place, right? I mean, no one is reading this so I can be as honest as I want. I guess I should talk a little about my father and what he means to me. First, right up front, no one pisses me off like he does. He has a very controlling way about him. He is bad about telling you to do things and then telling you how he wants those things done...even if they are things you have had a handle on for literally decades (he tells me to eat slowly, that drives me nuts). The second thing you must understand is that he is an alcoholic in deep denial. He wets himself like a child. He can't go a day without about a dozen beers and that habit is costly. My patience for his controlling and manipulative nature is zero when he is drunk, which is a lot.

Those are the bad things. He is also hard of hearing due to an illness he had as a child. He suffered nerve damage in his ears and so you have to repeat yourself just so many times to get him to understand a complex sentence. As you raise your voice, he gets defensive and usually, someone's feelings get hurt. I would probably be irritable, too, if I couldn't hear.

On the good side of the ledger, he cares a lot about people and can be very generous. He really is, emotionally, a big kid. He gets his feelings hurt easily and lashes out when he feels attacked. He writes poetry that rhymes but it is endearing. He knows what he likes and sticks to that.

Unfortunately, we don't like the same things. As much as I feel like I can talk to my mom, I feel like I literally can't talk to my dad due to his hearing problems. I know he will misunderstand half of what I say or miss it completely, so we don't do heart to hearts. Living with him is a chore but I'm sure living with me is as well. I can't wait to get my own place again. I'm not sure if I will ever see eye to eye with him while we share this earth but I do love him. I hope I can one day use some of the better things he has taught me to be a father myself.