Day 28: The day before Father's Day.

Probably because I skipped my meds last night, I am in a quiet, down mood today. Heroescon is going on this weekend and I can't go due to money issues. Again, my friends are there but I just can't make it. I had a good time at the Huey Lewis concert last night, despite a kind of shit crowd who boo'd new songs.

I just watched a movie about Cary Grant and how jacked up his childhood was. How that informed his many marriages but also made him a strong father. Here, on this day before father's day, it got me thinking about how far away I am from being a father. I feel very isolated and a million degrees from "being on someone's radar." A recurrent theme in some of my conversations lately is that I don't know if I'll ever be good at relationships. I can be bitter all day but the honest fact is that every woman who rejected me was absolutely right in doing so. I am a bad bet, and not getting any better.

I look down at this gut and think, "it is going to take so much more than walking every other day to get rid of this." It is going to take a whole lifestyle change. I don't know how much strength and willpower I have left. Yesterday was a bad day for my diet rules because I really didn't have three meals, just two meals and some snacks. I don't know, things seem dark today but maybe they will seem better tomorrow.

I think I am giving up on the food journal and the pop culture recap for now. If something was really good, I'll talk about it. Like, I watched Young Guns 2 today, still a comfort meal of a movie for me. It made me think about my own birthday marathon I have coming up and whether I can pull it off with no budget.