Day 15: Loneliness

If I had to use one word to define my adult life, it would be loneliness. While I have some great friends, I don't always feel connected to them. I just finished watching a season of Master of None where Aziz Ansari's Dev has an emotional affair with his engaged friend because the two of them feel a connection when they are with each other. Some of the episodes hit close to home because, the last two times I got involved with someone, they were already involved with someone else. For awhile there, I was the professional "other guy" waiting for the primary relationships to end so I could be with a girl. Neither of them left their boyfriends and I was stuck alone each time.

Since then, and this is piggbacking off the topic from a few days ago where I was whining about not having sex, I meet people and talk to people but I don't feel connected to anyone. Most of my female friends have significant others and, even if I weren't totally burned out on being the other guy, we don't seem to connect in a profound way. Gone are the days when I could just talk to someone for hours about nothing at all and everything. Those effortless conversations seem to permanently be in the past and my life is emptier without them. Of all my male friends, only one liked having deep conversations but they would usually just end up being about him.

So, while I have activity partners and people I can go do fun things with, I don't have anyone I consider close to me. And this isn't in regards to sharing personal news, I am not that protective of the details of my life, but more in the realm of taking an event and exploring the emotional and intellectual implications of it. That is a lost art. If any of my friends read this, I hope this doesn't upset you. I love my friends the way they are, I just wish I had a few more with some different skill sets.

Food since last time: I had an SEC biscuit and two mini-cruellers this morning with a bottle of DP. For lunch, I had a ramen double shot and two weiners with another bottle of DP. Otherwise, it has been water for me today.

Pop Culture: Finished my comics (James Bond, Moon Knight, etc) and read about ten more chapters in The Hike. I watched an MST3k and Kimmy Schmidt as well has finished the most recent season of Master of None.