Day 106: No clever title

It is the second day of a three day weekend that I have absolutely wasted. On Friday, I got together with Adam, Shawn and Mark to discuss making a short film this weekend but the limitations sent to us by the competition were just too limiting. We needed to have a cast and crew ready to go. So we decided to abort. I didn't want to be in the short because I am feeling so goddamn fat. My premise this past week has been to eat breakfast and then eat nothing again until dinner. Kind of a mid-day fast. But I'm not sure it is paying any dividends as this weekend was my dad's 67th birthday and we went out for steaks. The next day, my mom bought a huge platter from Zaxby's, and this morning I resigned myself to eat all the leftover spaghetti I could but there was like, half a dish left. I've been eating way too much even starving myself, is what I'm saying. On top of that, I have no one to hang out with. I am stuck at home, alone, watching episodes of Love.

John and Aubrey and Catherine went to Dragon Con (I was supposed to go back when I had a steady job and a way to pay for it). Jack is doing some weird passive aggressive thing where he is ignoring me. Daryn went to New York to be with her sister after a breakup. And who is left? Betsy seems constantly busy adopting new animals and working on her house. I am no longer welcome at their D&D nights (it was going on way too long but I miss the company). And who else is there? I guess there are places I could go if I just wanted to get out of the house. I could go to Chasing Rabbits or pick up my comics from Richards but it all seems like a waste of time. So I have three empty days and nothing to fill them with. This is depression, people.

Day 96: Today we escape

I think my meds are wrong. I have been depressed now for about two weeks. I upped my anti-depressant but it seems to be working against me. Not sure if external factors are an issue but I started back to work this past Monday. I have been taking online courses and I am nervous I won't succeed at this job. I have to get my disaster of a room clean by next week to satisfy whoever does my check ride. I just watched the WestWing where John Spencer's character dies and it gutted me. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, if I ever did.

We hope that you choke.

Day 91: Depression but I'm almost done

I'm almost done with being unemployed. I have this creeping fear that something is going to knock me out of my new job sooner than later but I can't give in to that. My depression has somehow been worse since I upped my medication. I'm not sure what it means besides I'm not really focused on any one aspect of my life. I have a general malaise on me that makes me not want to move. Today, I had the option to go swimming with my parents, go to a Lovecraft event at 2nd and Charles or try to get together with my cousin for something. I chose to do none of the above. I watched The Defenders on Netflix. And raped my diet all to hell. Not sure what I'm doing here, or when I will feel any better. This slow ass typing isn't helping me any.

Day 77: Some missing days

I was recently at the beach for about five days without access to wi-fi. I wanted to update this journal but literally couldn't. Now, I want to think back about my state of mind during those days off.

Really, I only had three full days of enjoyment, two days were travel. The first night and last morning don't really count. I traveled with my friend, Kirby, and he was going down to (initially) interview for a job but he ended up working 8 to 9 hours each day we were there. So, that left me alone for most of the days with nothing to do as I had no vehicle of my own and limited funds. I had bought and brought along a month's worth of comics from Richards but I blew through most of those the first day.

Monday, I wake up at 8:30 and go downstairs to the Sea Hawk's cantina. I buy a cheese Danish and a cheerwine. The old man running the store has no change for me so I offer to bring him back some ones later. I fall back to sleep at 10 am and sleep until about noon. Then I walk down to Damon's, a restaurant that used to be built on a pier (it is way up high in the air) but there is no longer a pier attached to it. I get mildly drunk and a little maudlin thinking about exes. I eat a prime rib dip and some key lime pie. The whole meal takes me an hour and a half. I walk back to my motel and pay off the front desk guy (actually a different guy so I don't know if the old man ever learned that I paid him back). I read comics and watch Game Show Network until Kirby gets back. We go to play mini-golf at Mount Atlanticus and have a good time. On the way home, we stop to eat at Thorny's (we call it T-Horny's) and have a not very good chicken and ranch dish. We then cruise the strip but see very few people out.

Tuesday, I wake up at 11 or so and walk down to Holiday Sands South, a hotel my family used to stay in when I was merely a teenager. They have a restaurant that overlooks their pool where I ate a ribeye and some cheese fries. I walk back to the hotel but still can't bring myself to do anything. I call my mother and finish my comics. When Kirby gets home we go swimming in the ocean. It knocks the hell out of me so I get out almost immediately. We then swim in the pool and I enjoy that much more. We clean up and then head out to eat. Kirby picks a Crab Buffet called Crabby Mike's or something. The buffet is $35 and the drinks are $5. I barely eat two plates worth of not-seafood and the whole thing costs me $50. We then go to the Hollywood Wax Museum where I took all sorts of photos. We had goofy fun and I bought my parents some souvenirs.

Wednesday, I wake up at 11 or so but this time I order pizza from a flyer I found at the hotel. After eating that, I didn't have much else to do until Kirby came home. I booked our evening at Medieval Times and it cost me $100, so I figured I didn't have much more to work with. When Kirby returned we went out to Medieval Times and had a jolly good time. We checked out the dungeon and we sat in the winning knight's section (yellow). The food was quite good and the combat was exciting to watch. That night, after we got back, I went out to the beach alone to get my thoughts together. The moon was only a half moon but it was shining through some clouds like a big fat eye. There was a firework show at one of the piers to my north so I watched it for awhile. Then, I started thinking about life. I thought about how much inner peace I felt at that moment on that beach, away from all responsibilities and anxiety. I knew that such moments were precious. I also resolved to stick to my dieting when I returned. I don't want to be "too fat to _____" anymore. That list is getting longer and longer. I also thought about growing up and putting away childish things but I'm not sure I am ready for that, yet.

Day 67: It Lingers

Although I increased my meds yesterday, I am incredibly down today. I have shut myself up in my room all day and didn't speak to my parents until after 6pm. That was just because I had to be in the kitchen to cook myself some dinner. I guess it all started this morning when I had to coordinate two of my friends, Mark and Max, with going to see a movie this weekend in Charlotte. Now, I have to leave Greenville at 5:30 and pray we hit no delays or I will be late for the movie. What was supposed to be a fun thing I was going to do now becomes a stressful thing I don't want to do. I've been watching this really shitty season of the West Wing (the one after Sorkin left) and the reason it is so bad is because it comes out of the gray areas of the first four seasons and starts treating politics as absolutes. People get all they want and win, which I am sure is not how politics works. The first four seasons felt like wading through molasses but they also felt true. Now, things are moving fast but unrealistically.

So I started thinking about how I have to compromise sometimes and do things I don't want to do in order to do things I do want to do. Seeing Dunkirk in 70mm is important to me but I don't know if it is worth the hassle of the long drive back and forth. This is after I talked myself out of going to Carowinds with a group of my friends on Saturday. They were going for the water park and all I can imagine is how hot and miserable it will be. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Day 66: Post-Party Depression

I celebrated my 40th Birthday this past weekend by doing my 10th movie marathon in 11 years. Everytime one ends I swear I will never do another but, eventually, the temptation to force my friends into watching movies I like gets too great. The weekend was divided into movies I picked and movies I had never seen that others picked for me.

1) Coffeetown- My mother, John and Aubrey, Adam and Kirby all made it for at least part of this one. I think it went over well. I wasn't embarrassed by it. We started at noon.
2) Roller Town- This one is my sense of humor personified but I am afraid the others didn't get it as much. Ellen, a friend of mine who never shows up to parties, shows up for this and the next one. Neither are the strongest movies I have shown. Mark shows up during this one. So I have my largest group for...
3) Stretch- Not as good as I remembered it with Ed Helms chewing the scenery and Chris Pine giving a ballsy but brief performance. Everything happened so mechanically, I was very embarrassed showing this. Ellen will never trust me again. Mark says it was his favorite.
4)Heist- Probably my favorite of the movies I showed. Adam and Ellen left before it. We ordered food. I still like the movie very much but others didn't care for Mamet's writing.
5) Bone Tomahawk- There was a dinner break with John and Aubrey leaving to feed their dogs. That left me with Mark and Kirby (my mother rejoined us after sitting out Heist). I was going to show a moving about gambling addiction called Mississippi Grind but I called an audible and switched it to Bone Tomahawk to get some horror in the mix. John and Aubrey come back in time for the end.
6) Calvary- I know Kirby left but I think Mark and the Ferrers stayed all the way through this one. The first night ended pretty well but I was super tired.

Day two started at 1pm with...
7) Akira- Adam, Shawn, John and Aubrey made it for this one. Lots of fun.
8) Two for the Road- The same crew for this one. At the end, Adam and Shawn left and Max came in.
9) What's Up, Doc- Just me and Max (and my mom for part) for this one. John and Aubrey went home for the dogs but came back.
10) Rope- Hitchcock with Max, John and Aubrey.
11) Friends of Eddie Coyle- Max left and we were joined by Amanda and Stephen for the second half of the last movie.

That night, I had a cockroach run across me as I tried to sleep. It made it very hard for me to rest (I slept with the lights on). Ever since the party, I have been a little down and out of it. I like being surrounded by friends and watching movies but it goes too quickly. I'm always left with a hollow feeling. This time was no different. Maybe I can explain more tomorrow.

Day 60: Mother

So, today I was talking to my mother in the living room. This isn't an unusual thing, we talk all the time. Right after I told her I was worried about her mental health, she changed the subject to ask about how I approach new people. As I was telling her about this guy I know that I don't like she responded with "That's why you have to be there to teach Mushroom Dan or whatever his name is." It was like having someone fall asleep while talking to you but she was wide awake in the early afternoon. She tried to recover by explaining who Mushroom Dan was but this only made less and less sense as we talked. It terrified me.

My mom is currently dealing with the fact that her husband (my father) is pretty useless. He drinks himself stupid every night and takes pills if the booze doesn't get him there. He is about 400 pounds and falls a lot. He can't get up by himself. He does nothing all day but read books by Tom Clancy and watch sports. His other big thing is telling everyone how to live their lives. A real control freak. So Mom is dealing with that and her own mother, who is sliding into dementia. For my mom and I, dementia is pretty much the check in the mail. I just can't deal with my mother losing her mind yet.

I have been having flashes all night of me as a kid, watching movies and trying to show them to my mom. She would try her best to stay awake but usually nod off halfway through. For a little while, I would poke her couch and try to wake her up but eventually, I would just have to let her go. I don't think I need to belabor the metaphor here. I'm nearly 40 years old and I am scared of losing my mother. Some people don't get their mom for that long or at all. I've been lucky. But when your dad is the way he is and your life has gone how mine has...you treasure the people you can depend on. And mom has always been my rock.

I want to be hers but I'm just not in that place yet. I can't be helpful as her world keeps falling apart. I am trying to be supportive but this is really where siblings would help. Or at least a good wife. Alright, I've cried enough for one post. More on this later.

Day 58: Time Matters

The roller coaster seems to have finally pulled to a stop today. My company wrote to me to say I would be starting August 21st, they even sent a new letter for me to sign with my hiring date. It all feels official and like it can't be yanked away. So, I decide to go ahead with my birthday party and go ahead with my trip to the beach. I will continue doing what I've been doing all summer until my training starts. This was unexpected to say the least. Not only getting a firm date but moving it up three weeks was a bit of a godsend.

And I think about how I've been spending my days. I've been making lists of things to do as I wake up, it makes everything feel more official and structured. However, the past couple of nights I find myself finished with what I want to do by 7pm or so. This leaves me with some time to fret and fidget. My friends are working hard to get my birthday party right this year, bless em. I hope I have room for everyone to be comfortable. We need to get this TV in here. Now I'm just typing whatever comes to mind. I thought I had a point to make but maybe I don't.

Day 55: Same old developments

The Progressive roller coaster only lasted one day. I took an online test this afternoon that said I was unqualified for the job. Corrin was crushed, so was I. I was trying to imagine a life in the insurance business but it is very difficult to picture. I would show up everyday and sit at my little desk, maybe with some wacky personal touch calendar on it. I would talk to my co-workers and set up phone calls and hear people describe their accidents to me. Corrin talked about travel for training and two hour meetings and all sorts of things I can't picture myself doing. Maybe I threw the psych evaluation on purpose.

The other thing I did was reconnect with my cousin today. This can sometimes be a dangerous proposition because we are very different people. I spent a few years not talking to him after he got bogged down in drug addiction. You tie your own mood to how well these people do and they keep letting you down. Still, when we have fun, we have fun. That's the trade-off, drama for someone to have a beer with. We'll see how it goes.

Day 54: New Developments

Things hit the skids last week and I reached a really low point. I didn't think I could go on with the diary project because I was so depressed. I met with my therapist and basically just learned that, yes, I am fucked. The next day, my company pushed back my start date to September 11th...surely nothing bad happened that day, ever. I was lower than I had been all summer. I figured out I could maybe make it, if I drained my unemployment dry. Oh, in other news, Kirby invited me to go to the beach with him this month for a few days like we used to do when we were kids. That actually gave me a little bit of hope. After the job announcement, I started actually applying to all the things I had been pretending to apply for online. And then, today, Corrin (a classmate from middle school) told me about a job opening with Progressive insurance. I spent some time applying today. It could be just as much money as my investigator job, if not more. While I still don't know what a claims adjuster does, it has to be better than sitting around my house getting fatter.

Day 47: Talk Talk

One of the worst realizations as I get older in life is that I have no one to talk to except for my therapist. Once a month, I get to reveal my innermost thoughts to someone but I have to pay for the privilege. And as much as she is invested in my well being, there is something off balance. Last time, she recommended I stand up to my mother about not wanting to walk with her and when I balked, she withdrew the suggestion with the implication that I was being impossible to deal with. When you exasperate your therapist, something is wrong. I want very badly to speak with someone but I will have to wait until next Tuesday.

I'm not even sure what I would be talking about, to be honest. I am sad. I have been crying at every episode of the West Wing. I'm not sure what else I should be doing with my time. A few days ago, the tv was out, the internet was out and I had lost my phone. I have never been more lost for what I should be doing. One by one, these problems have been solved (the tv is still out) but I still feel overwhelmed and adrift. I am thinking of instituting a new work out policy by going to this health club near my house. I want to workout a 1/2 an hour a day. Probably on an exercise bike or treadmill. It will require washing oh so many clothes per week as I only have a few things that fit me. This is probably all just a nice fantasy. We'll see.

Day 46: The West Wing

Over the 4th of July holiday, I have been watching lots of Aaron Sorkin's West Wing (currently on season two). The show makes me cry a lot. Not sure why. Well, that is not entirely true. It is filled with moments of people being nice to each other. Friends helping out friends and strangers helping out strangers. It is sort of a civics lesson in TV form. Whenever a character does something selfless, I find myself getting worked up. Maybe this speaks to the loneliness in my life. I hung out with friends last night but I feel forever apart from them. Not that they aren't good friends, we just don't have each others backs the way I always thought friends would. Mostly the married couples have each others' backs and the rest of us are just kind of there. In high school, you really felt the concept of taking a bullet for someone else. Now, I don't know.

I miss things that have changed too far to ever change back. I think Kirby has my back. And other people care about me but...something's missing.

Day 44: Waiting for the Fall

Yesterday, my dad fell twice. Once was in the front yard, I was in the house, oblivious. Our neighbors helped him inside. His face was covered in blood, he scraped up his face falling down. He swore he wasn't drunk but my mother got the truth out of him later. He weighs upwards of 400 pounds and can barely move of his own volition. This is really the portrait of a man who has given up on himself. The fact that I look like a slightly smaller version of him, this bothers me. That I wasn't really surprised or concerned that he fell again trying to open a bottle of wine later...that bothers me.

I don't know, I don't have much to say. I got car insurance today and moved one of our cars out of the way so dad wouldn't park right over a break in the concrete of our driveway. I am thinking of joining a gym just to get out of the house. But I need more clothes.

Day 43: Halfway Through the Year

This is it, the midpoint of the year. Just as much ahead of us as behind us. It's a good day to reflect on what's been accomplished. I made a list of 17 things I wanted to accomplish this year. So far, I've done five. One isn't worth accomplishing. One is impossible for this year, which I didn't know at the beginning of the year. Well, let's just look at them.

1) Rewrite my novel. I lost almost a whole novel I had written when my last computer crashed on me. I'm not even sure I still have the outline anywhere. I haven't summoned up the will to rewrite the whole thing from scratch yet.

2) Get a new job. This will be done sometime this month. Either the 10th or, as I am not expecting, the 31st. So, that will be nice to check off.

3) Get a new place to live. Not possible from what I've learned. If I want to be out from under this crazy credit card debt, I need to settle with them. In order to do that, I will have to stay with my parents so I can afford the payments.

4) Get a car. Did this yesterday. Kind of. My parents paid for it. I won't feel good until I've paid them off.

5) Rework the diet dice- I had this marked as completed. I have definitely not completed it. This was a weight loss scheme (the last one that worked for me). I have yet to replicate it.

6) Kurt Russell Marathon? Seemed like a good idea at the time, now I don't care.

7) How to Host a murder- Harkens back to game nights past. My regular gaming group is split to the winds now. Not sure when or how to do this.

8) Get a CPAP machine. I have one. It works well but I can't use it at the moment due to my facial breakout.

9) Watch my 31 horror movies for October. I plan to do this.

10) Keep up with my daily horror blog. I am doing this.

11) One Last Birthday Marathon. I plan to do one in a few weeks, somehow.

12) Continue Random Christmas-  I am doing this so far.

13) Work on a comic. Jay is kind of making this come true by going back and working on our old script. Once again, he did a lot of work and then lost steam. Not sure if it will get done.

14) Direct a short. I have one in mind, I just need to do it.

15) Go on a vacation. Yeah, we'll see. I doubt this one.

16) Finish my board game. This is tied into my lack of a gaming group. I have it all together. We'll see if the spirit moves me.

17) Get alive again. My credit report was showing me as dead. I somehow fixed it.

So, some still to come. Others are impossible and others rely on me getting motivated. If this new job would goddamn start, I would feel much better.

Day 41: Car Anxiety to the max!

After buying some comics and going to see Baby Driver last night with John and Aubrey, I found my worst nightmares about the car coming true. My mother informs me at 11 this morning that the title has come in and we are meeting my uncle in Hendersonville at 2pm to get it. Hendersonville is about 45 minutes from Greenville. Today was the last day to get my car registered before rates go up. Of course, to register your car, you have to pay property taxes first. Everything, timing wise, seemed stacked against us. There was also this lingering problem of proof of insurance...would it be required? If so, we had even less time than we thought.

We get to Hendersonville at 1:30 and my uncle says he'll be another hour. Unless we want to meet him closer to where he lives. Mom and I drive another half hour away and meet him in Arden, NC. We finally meet him and get the documents signed over. Mother and I are stuck in a traffic jam on I-26 so that we are still in North Carolina at 3:30. We rush into Greenville and I make my way through the two offices at the tax collection section I needed to get my bill and pay my bill. I ended up in line behind a nice young couple who were also in front of me at the DMV. They let me borrow a pen and clipboard. I got out of the DMV at five til 5. They close at 5pm. I somehow got all the paperwork done in the pouring rain with the help of mom driving like a maniac.  She has so much road rage, I see where I get it from.

As a nice topper, we stopped for food at Pete's after calling in the order. They left out half of it. After waiting 30 minutes in the drive through line, I had to go in and wait another fifteen. To make matters even better, our television is on the fritz and my dad has lots of opinions about that. Trying to fix the tv, I broke our internet connection. Charter had to fix it all remotely but the tv is still down. Now, I have a new cloud of anxiety over me in that dad will pout until it is fixed. And I don't know how to fix it.

Tomorrow, I get the actual car!

Day 40: Car Anxiety

You might remember awhile back I was going to buy a car from my uncle. He couldn't find the title. He had to order a duplicate title. We are waiting for that duplicate title to show up. If it doesn't show up in the next couple of hours, I am out a new $250 car registration fee that South Carolina put into effect to help pay for road repair. My mother is even more anxious than me. I have resigned myself to having to pay this fee. It will eat up one whole unemployment payment but whatever.

If the call to rush up to Brevard doesn't come through, I am going to go ahead and secure my money for July this afternoon. And then I am going on a comic book buying spree as it has been about a month since I have been to either store. And then I am grabbing some food and then seeing Baby Driver with my friends. That seems like a nice, solid afternoon without all the rushing around. We'll see how it all turns out.

Day 39: Trivia and some money

Last night I met my old friend, Kirby, to go play trivia at a restaurant called Gringo's downtown. We barely made it in time to get seats. We sat outside and played in the nice evening breeze. The food took forever to get there but we had three baskets of chips and queso in the meantime. The categories were war movies (I only missed one, about Grave of the Fireflies), science (should have gotten seven out of ten, got six due to a dumb mistake), Star Wars (seven out of eight because I fell for a trick question) and random (we tied for first but I lost the tiebreaker). One thing I learned is that there are just so many beautiful women in the world. I was enthralled by all the sights. Makes me want to get my act together that much more. I've been thinking today about joining a gym.

Much to my surprise, when I got home last night, I found I had been paid unemployment benefits. That is strange as Kirby has not filled out the paperwork to approve me. Which means either they didn't wait and just started paying me (which sounds weird) or Jimmy (the guy who fired me) approved it. Either way, the money is mine now, bitches.

Day 38: Visiting the Grandparents

Today has been interesting. Later tonight, I'll go out and play trivia with my oldest friend but in the meantime, I am home alone and enjoying the air conditioning. After going to lunch with my mother, I went with my parents to visit my father's parents (yes, my grandparents). They are in a nursing home across town and my father drove the whole way there and back. My mother was smart enough to sit in the back seat because my father's driving style can best be described as "barely present." He takes his eyes off the road for any and no reason. He texts, he calls people, he drifts into other lanes and then gets angry when he can't get back into the lane he drifted out of. My stomach was in knots both to and from the nursing home. Things were bad.

Getting to my grandparents nursing home, I realized I hadn't seen them in about a year. My grandmother had no idea who I was and she looks so much like my great-grandmother now it is scary. My grandfather used the word butthole in front of me and indicated the word "shit" in a story. These are new developments. In hearing all about my cousins, I realized I am somewhere in the middle of the success factor as far as grandkids go. Two of my cousins have grown up with nothing but privilege and are leading kind of gadabout lifestyles that are taking them all over the globe. On my other uncle's side, there is an out of wedlock baby from a drug addict dad and all sorts of other drama more indicative of the white trash from which I sprang. I think the cousin who is doing best is Sara, who is married and making crazy money as a nurse. That's some good work if you can get it. Here I am, the 40 year old and oldest of the grandkids, accomplishing nothing fast.

Day 37: Outside the Comfort Zone

I went outside my comfort zone in a couple of ways today. I went out to lunch with a friend who I don't often hang out alone with, Mark. He is a really good guy and the conversation was not as awkward as I was worried about. I gave him his random Christmas present (I give gifts randomly throughout the year to save myself money in December) and returned a movie of his I had promised to return from a mutual friend months ago. We are both movie lovers so, the talk comes easily for 45 minutes or so.

The other thing I tried to do was introduce myself to a young lady who runs a tea shop in downtown and offer to host a trivia night. I kind of hate being the center of attention except when it comes to trivia contests. Unfortunately, her mother was running the shop today. I came home and wrote her on facebook. I kind of felt like a character in a Victorian era novel needing a letter of introduction from my friend Aubrey. By throwing her name around, maybe I can make some strides. According to facebook, she saw the message seven minutes ago but has not responded. Probably trying to contain her glee, right?

And that has been my day outside the house. I came home to find no one here, which suits me just fine. Time to relax with some Netflix and comics. Back in my comfort zone.

Day 36: The 24 hour Film Challenge

Been away for a few days, partly because of depression but mostly because I was away from my computer devices doing a 24 Hour Film Challenge with my friends. Adam contacted me on Friday and asked if I wanted to help him and John with making a movie in 24 hours. I drove down to his house with my toothbrush and a Coke Zero. When John arrived and we received the prompts they were: a theme of "a memory," a prop of "a puddle," and an action of "dressing." We were originally going to shoot something outside but it started raining. We realized we would have to shoot in the garage so we drifted to thoughts of a band of friends getting back together to play their old songs. While hashing everything out, someone came up with the idea of each person doing internal monologues and I threw out an absurd joke (I wish all these assholes would leave so I could get this buried treasure). It was just a non sequiter joke that I like but John latched onto it and wanted to make sure this was the thing that made our entry different. We talked for hours about the logistics of the comedy, do we sing a song about the treasure or do we play it straight for as long as we can and then bust out the absurd?

I have to say, I had a clear opinion the whole way and that helped make a lot of our decisions we were wishy washy on. Even though Shawn came up with an improv'd song about the treasure being right beneath our feet, it didn't work with the logical flow of the rest of the story. We ended up filming Friday night for about an hour and a half and all of it was unusable.

On Saturday, after a few hours of sleep, Mark came around to help us which gave us someone to actually film the thing dynamically while the rest of us acted. We finally figured out a ridiculous ending to the whole thing and we shot all the footage in about three and a half hours. I went home to crash after a night of little sleep, no clothing change and no shower. There was some last minute tension as we had all left Adam to do the final editing and his job called him in for an emergency. We still somehow submitted on time. One day, I'll post the video here.

Watching the finished product today, I feel like I look awful. A "sentient bag of garbage" is the best way to describe my mode. I gotta do something about this but what?

Also, watched a Columbo last night...always a pleasure.

Day 33: Cabin Fever

Oy, I woke up this morning wanting to do something, anything differently with my day. Unfortunately, my mind is not very nimble. I almost just volunteered to organize Richard Morgan's basement full of random comics. I'm not sure that is a good move so I am saving the email as a draft. My appetite has been gone recently. I am thirsty a lot but have no stomach for food right now. I guess this is summer depression setting in. I've thought about going to art galleries or something but going alone (or with my mother) seems sad. I am still fantasizing about swimming but the Aquatic center I was looking into changed its hours so that they make no sense now. It lists when you can't do certain things instead of when you can, which seems harsh.

I am almost through my reading of Journey Into Mystery comics. I think I will start Secret Invasion next. If I knew where every issue of Secret Wars was, I might look into that again. Things are just moving very slowly. I wish they would nail down that training class so I could go ahead and get ready. Again, I am not going to illustrate today until I have something worth illustrating.

Day 32: The Ennui

Oh man, it is getting to me. I woke up at 10am after a night of bad sleep. I ate breakfast, talked to Kirby for awhile, watched a Young Justice and then fell back to sleep. I just got up to shower at 3pm. My father is already asking me to go get beer even though my mother already bought him some. This is one reason I hate living at home, I am my father's valet. He lets me say no sometimes but eventually, I need to leave the house for something and there he is, doing the ultimate "while you're up" game. Thinking about how I am going to deal with that is my main thought process through a day: When will I be asked to go get my alcoholic father more beer?

I have no appetite today. I skipped my psych meds on accident last night. I need to start taking them with my face medicine, so at least I will always have them. This entry isn't even worth a photo. It is basically me just checking in and whining. More tomorrow, I'm sure.

Day 31: First Day of Summer

Here is one practical consideration that makes staying at my parents' house a pain in the summer: the vent through which the magical air conditioning flows is blocked by my bed. In fact, almost any way you configure my room, my vent is going to be blocked. I think I have figured out a way to tetris the whole thing around but it will take just so much effort to get it done.

I am back to facing my fat problem. How do I deal with being so large? How can I reverse this while living in a house of pies and fried fat? How can I get exercise when the smallest movement makes me burst out in a horrible sweat? I come back to swimming again but how do I deal with my fear of taking my shirt off in front of others? Will I ever work up the nerve to start anything?

I watched some old George Sanders movies last night. I like that guy.

Day 30: Movie Marathon planning

Today, I speInt most of the morning putting together plans for my birthday movie marathon. I am holding the marathon in July this year since people keep backing out in December. As it stands, I will be missing friends like Alix and Catherine even having it over the summer. I almost put in the Fountain today because that is one of my favorite movies I have never shown at a marathon. However, it seems like a pretty divisive movie as well. I think everyone who was going to like it has already seen it. I second guessed one of my leftover movies from last year. I had the Pierce Brosnan Heist but the Gene Hackman movie is legit better so, going with that. I put in a dinner hour and moved the start time back to noon on Saturday. I also second guessed my midnight movie, Proxy. I remember a semi-raunchy lesbian sex scene towards the beginning that may not play for everyone. I'm not even counting the scene of a pregnant belly getting beaten with a brick in the first five minutes of the movie. Maybe I'll find a more gentle midnight movie.

Thinking about movies I want to show my friends and movies that will make me happy is tough to do. The movie Stretch is another I am worried about. It is Joe Carnahan, a notoriously divisive director, making a kind of action comedy movie that worked well for me. Of course, I love Smokin Aces where most people find it tedious. I'm afraid Stretch is where I might lose John (his opinion matters more than most to me). He has such solid taste in movies it always hurts a little when he comes out against something I find some joy in.

My other big issue is trying to figure out where I can find all these movies. Of all of them, only Heist is unavailable online (weird, huh?). Even Roller Town is on Youtube. I will, hopefully, be able to cobble a collection together before the marathon, even with my meager self-allowance of $12 a day.

Day 29: Father's Day

This is a safe place, right? I mean, no one is reading this so I can be as honest as I want. I guess I should talk a little about my father and what he means to me. First, right up front, no one pisses me off like he does. He has a very controlling way about him. He is bad about telling you to do things and then telling you how he wants those things done...even if they are things you have had a handle on for literally decades (he tells me to eat slowly, that drives me nuts). The second thing you must understand is that he is an alcoholic in deep denial. He wets himself like a child. He can't go a day without about a dozen beers and that habit is costly. My patience for his controlling and manipulative nature is zero when he is drunk, which is a lot.

Those are the bad things. He is also hard of hearing due to an illness he had as a child. He suffered nerve damage in his ears and so you have to repeat yourself just so many times to get him to understand a complex sentence. As you raise your voice, he gets defensive and usually, someone's feelings get hurt. I would probably be irritable, too, if I couldn't hear.

On the good side of the ledger, he cares a lot about people and can be very generous. He really is, emotionally, a big kid. He gets his feelings hurt easily and lashes out when he feels attacked. He writes poetry that rhymes but it is endearing. He knows what he likes and sticks to that.

Unfortunately, we don't like the same things. As much as I feel like I can talk to my mom, I feel like I literally can't talk to my dad due to his hearing problems. I know he will misunderstand half of what I say or miss it completely, so we don't do heart to hearts. Living with him is a chore but I'm sure living with me is as well. I can't wait to get my own place again. I'm not sure if I will ever see eye to eye with him while we share this earth but I do love him. I hope I can one day use some of the better things he has taught me to be a father myself.

Day 28: The day before Father's Day.

Probably because I skipped my meds last night, I am in a quiet, down mood today. Heroescon is going on this weekend and I can't go due to money issues. Again, my friends are there but I just can't make it. I had a good time at the Huey Lewis concert last night, despite a kind of shit crowd who boo'd new songs.

I just watched a movie about Cary Grant and how jacked up his childhood was. How that informed his many marriages but also made him a strong father. Here, on this day before father's day, it got me thinking about how far away I am from being a father. I feel very isolated and a million degrees from "being on someone's radar." A recurrent theme in some of my conversations lately is that I don't know if I'll ever be good at relationships. I can be bitter all day but the honest fact is that every woman who rejected me was absolutely right in doing so. I am a bad bet, and not getting any better.

I look down at this gut and think, "it is going to take so much more than walking every other day to get rid of this." It is going to take a whole lifestyle change. I don't know how much strength and willpower I have left. Yesterday was a bad day for my diet rules because I really didn't have three meals, just two meals and some snacks. I don't know, things seem dark today but maybe they will seem better tomorrow.

I think I am giving up on the food journal and the pop culture recap for now. If something was really good, I'll talk about it. Like, I watched Young Guns 2 today, still a comfort meal of a movie for me. It made me think about my own birthday marathon I have coming up and whether I can pull it off with no budget.

Day 27: I spaced

So I totally spaced on Day 26 which is probably not a bad thing. Unlike my horror blog (which must be 365 entries long) this one is kind of a catch as catch can diary. I still hope to update every day but who knows?

Yesterday was strange in that I woke up from a dream where a friend of mine told me she loves me. I don't think this friend has any feelings for me IRL but the dream was one of those that shakes you a bit and makes you wonder if anyone has any secret crushes. Of course, then you look at yourself in a mirror and realize the only crush you'll get is an orange one, you fat fuck. Ah, but I am too hard on myself, maybe.

I have been walking more for exercise and trying to figure out what to do with my days. Tonight, I go with my friend Daryn to see Huey Lewis and the News, which should be tons of fun. And then we power into Father's Day weekend which can be a minefield for me. I'll be missing Heroescon, one of the two cons that bookend the summer. Hopefully, I will be able to go to Dragon Con, we'll see.

Food since last time: Working backward, I had breakfast casserole for brunch today with a Dr. Pepper. For lunch, technically all I had was an ice cream sandwich and Coke Zero. Last night, I had a vanilla milkshake and some reece's pieces for dinner. I washed it down with more coke zero. For lunch I had an oven pizza with extra cheese and a DP. Prior to that was my SEC muffin and three mini-crullers. Prior to that, I had some ramen for dinner the night before and a DP.

Pop Culture: Mostly comics and some Documentary Now. I did see RIfftrax live summer shorts. That was fun.

Day 25: What do I do with this Sweet Sweet Information

So, I have a between a month and almost two months ahead of me with nothing to do but be patient. There is a wishful part of me that sees me running laps and busting ass to get in shape during this down time but...that's not going to happen. I see myself rewriting the heist novel I lost when my last laptop blew up but I would want to do that outside the house. I see myself volunteering maybe somewhere that needs me.

I meant to talk about this with my therapist yesterday but I had to catch her up on the last month of minor triumphs and setbacks like getting a start date on my job but getting fired from my other one. She seems to think that getting paid unemployment will be easy...I hope so. She also thinks I need to up my meds, which seems risky at the moment. Not sure what to do with all this free time, but I'm sure it will pass somehow.

Food since last time: My friend made me two hot dogs I ate with a Coke Zero. For dinner, I made cheese fries and barbecued sausage. For breakfast I had my SEC muffin and three mini-crullers with a DP. For lunch, I had a bologna and cheese sandwich with barbecue chips and a DP. Today began my rule of no snacking.

Pop Culture: I watched Oh, Hello Live on Broadway, read some comics and watched a few episodes of Alone with my mother (that is the show Alone which I watched in the company of my mother not a show called Alone With my Mother).

Day 24: Sweet Sweet Information

My gambit to contact SCIS paid off yesterday. I made myself very apologetic and respectfully requested any kind of update. As I figured, it is a problem of knowing when the next training session is. It could start on July 10th (please, Jesus) or July 31st (I mean, I'll take it but...). So now I have definite dates to work with. And that is making a huge difference. I figured out that the latest I could be getting a new paycheck is August 25th (that's if training starts on the 31st and I am off cycle on paychecks and there is a one paycheck lag time). I was able to work out a budget for the summer to make sure all my bills get paid and I maybe even get to have some fun. But not too much.

Having an actual start date (kind of) is a weird feeling. The first possible one is almost a month away. I am trying to figure out if I can game the unemployment system to get some scratch in the meantime. Otherwise, this is going to be a long summer. I need to get a routine going. Maybe I can start that swimming that I want to do. I need some kind of structure to get me through this summer. Oh, today is the day I am supposed to win a million dollars. THat will certainly take some of the pressure off this summer. Wonder when I can find out about that? Sometime today is all I know. Oh well.

Food since last time: Yesterday for lunch I had some angus steakburger hotpocket things with chips and a DP. For dinner I had sausages chopped up in mac n cheese with some DP. For dessert I had cookies and creme oreos. This morning I had my usual 3 mini-crullers and SEC muffin.

Pop Culture: I read a lot more comics (Original Sin, What If and Spider-Man) and watched some more Documentary Now. I also watched a movie called Sun Choke.

Day 23: Inertia

Now it is Monday and a full four days have passed since I was let go. The shock has worn off but a comfortable routine of sleeping in and reading comics has developed. I have taken a couple of runs at an email to SCIS to find out what my status might be but everything comes off as accusatory or whiny. I did fill out my unemployment thing yesterday and now they only require two searches in their online job database a week to count as "looking for work." The last time I tried to do this, I had to record online applications as well as in person attempts. This seems easier.

At any rate, I have my list of temp agencies, I am just scared to start reaching out. Getting a truly temp job would be great but it seems far fetched. I won't know until I try. I do know that I will have to start hitting my savings as of next week so that won't be fun. I know I need to do something, it is just that doing nothing with this great job waiting out there for me is easier.

Food since last time: I ate a can of spaghetti-os for lunch with Dr. Pepper. For dinner, my parents broke my long boycott of Hardees by getting me the rib burger thing, which was not worth ending the boycott. I had four cups of water yesterday, which I think is pretty good. This morning I had an SEC muffin, three mini-crullers and a cup of Dr. Pepper.

Pop Culture: Reading a bunch of Original Sin comics from Marvel, watched Win It All and some episodes of Documentary Now. Also watched a Simpons and Bobs Burgers with my mom last night.

Day 22: A New Wrinkle

I received a text message yesterday from my former boss/still friend, Kirby, saying that if I applied for unemployment fast enough, he would approve it. I have never successfully received unemployment before but this is exactly the circumstance for it. I'm glad he reminded me before I started applying to temp agencies, because I can use them for sure. I am curious to see if this works this time.

In the meantime, I went walking again and it still kicked my ass. I am so very out of shape it is not funny. I stood in the mirror yesterday and just took in the vast expanse of my belly. Like a teletubby, you could comfortably project a movie on it (except for the hairs getting in the way). I keep finding deeper notches on my belt, which would suggest I am losing a little weight but not much and not fast. The main problem is that I sit in my bed all day. I mean, at work, I would be sitting in my office all day so the difference is one of comfort at best. We'll see how this next week goes towards getting me moving.

Food since last time: I went to the grocery store yesterday and picked up McDonalds on the way home. I had a quarter pounder with cheese, a large fry and (even though I ordered DP) a Diet Coke. Then, for dinner, I had a bologna and cheese sandwich with some chips and Dr. Pepper. I drank some water in between. This morning, I had a SEC muffin with three mini-crullers and a Dr. Pepper. Not sure what to do about lunch yet.

Pop Culture: I finished off Comedy Bang Bang and watched The Legend of the Drunken Master. Besides that, a few more comics and my puzzle quest game.

Day 21: The Haze of Unemployment

And I thought it was boring going through the same old routine at work everyday. Being unemployed is a constant feeling of pressure like I should be doing something more productive. I can't really relax and appreciate the fact I have free time now. All I'm doing is watching shows and reading comics but it isn't very entertaining. Yesterday, I updated my resume and made a list of all the temp agencies in Greenville. I also figured out if I was too fat for my khaki pants in case I needed to go on interviews. That almost felt like I was accomplishing something.

I feel like I should reach out to my company again and let them know what is going on but, what difference would it make? Maybe I could just ask what they think the wait time will be so I can plan accordingly. I guess I am still shaking off the shock and bold action will become more clear as the days pass. I have spent $2 in the past two days but the time is quickly approaching for me to spend more. My credit card payment gets taken out today and I have therapy on Tuesday, all of that will set me back $200 and then it is only a matter of time before I have to hit my savings. Things are stressful now and no fun.

Food since last time: My mother gave me her leftovers from a lunch sometime last week which was half a cheeseburger and some fries. That held me over until I had my double shot of beef ramen for dinner. I've had two mini-crullers today but that is it. I need to go to the grocery store but that is a whole other conundrum.

Pop Culture: I watched the pretty lousy 1000000 Ways to Die in the West, read a bunch of Siege comics, watched Comedy Bang Bang and also the movie The Discovery.

Day 20: What Now?

I had been hoping for a vacation but not quite like this. I was hoping I could still earn money during the vacation, of course. As it stands, I am now shaking off he shock of yesterday and trying to figure out where to go from here. Yesterday, after the firing, was weird. My parents took me out for a huge steak dinner (my dad had been promising one to my mom for weeks) and then I heard from one of my best friends (Daryn) that she was coming to town and wanted to hang out. She hadn't heard about my firing yet, it was just a coincidence.

After she and I took a walk around Furman Lake, I sank into shutdown mode where I find some comic book related project to occupy my time. I bought a $2 online comic and immediately felt guilty. Every dollar is going to count going forward until I get money again. That is the big question mark hanging over everything. When and how will I get money again? I might have outlined yesterday how most temp jobs around here are temp to hire. Temp agencies usually won't touch you if they know you are going to be abandoning them. Of course, my drawing for one million dollars is next week so that could help. Heh. It seemed like less of a sick joke when I didn't really need it.

I will be updating my resume today and, other than that, I am not sure what to do with my time. I slept in until 10. I read comics all morning and had kind of a breakfast (see below). Everything feels weird to me.

Food since last time: My parents took me in mid-afternoon to Texas Roadhouse where I had a 12 oz ribeye, some fries, a salad and a buttery roll. I drank two cokes and an Angry Orchard Cider. After that, I was pretty full so I only had a bologna and cheese sandwich with a few oreos for dinner.

Pop Culture: I watched another Comedy Bang Bang episode and read a bunch of Siege comics from Marvel as well as X-Men Schism.

Day 19: Fired!

Well, this was certainly a surprise. I knew the business at which I worked was having some cash flow problems but not to the point where I would get fired on a Thursday morning. I came to work like usual, had my breakfast, started getting down to the business of looking as busy as possible and then, bam! Jimmy (the company owner and an older gentleman despite his name) came in and gave me my walking papers. I was shocked, floored. I had no idea. I was very polite, of course. When I spoke with Kirby, we both almost started tearing up.

This comes at a bad-ish time. I guess there is never a great time to get fired but...I haven't gotten a start date from my new company. On top of that, I have about $2000 saved up (I was saving it for a car) but I might have to use it now to pay my bills for the next few months. I have no idea when my new job is going to come through, which is going to make getting a job in the meantime very, very tricky.

Temp agencies in this town want to place you to be hired, not to actually work as a temp temp. But since I don't know how long I need a job for...things could get tricky. Oh, so the reason I was fired was not because I sit at work and write blog posts all day. It was actually because the cash flow problem is so bad that something had to go and I was the next least essential piece of the puzzle. Here's to being superfluous.

Food since last time: I made an oven pizza last night and ate half of it. I drank DP with it. This morning, I had my SEC biscuit and 3 mini-crullers with a DP. For lunch I just had a leftover slice of that pizza and a glass of DP.

Pop Culture: I watched an old Simpsons last night (King-Sized Homer) and the Sarah Silverman special called Speck of Dust.

Day 18: Writing

Having finished a good book last night, writing has been on my mind today. I wrote an entire novel over the past couple of years that only three people have ever read all the way through. Last year, I wrote most of a second novel and lost it when a computer melted down. It was very tragic. I keep meaning to rewrite it from a new angle but I haven't found my muse yet.

Instead, I dusted off a script I wrote for a radio program my friends and I have done before. It is meant to be funny, but I find it hard to write comedy. I think this one actually worked well. My other kind of ongoing project is trying to figure out how to write a literary query to an agent that doesn't sound stupid. Ironically, for an entry called "Writing" I don't feel much like doing it right now.

Food since last time: I had chicken nuggets with barbecue sauce and fries from Jack N the Box for lunch yesterday (with a large DP). For dinner I had mac n cheese mixed up with cut up hot dogs and more DP. For breakfast today, I had my SEC biscuit and three mini-crullers, along with a bottle of DP. And just now for lunch, I had a fried chicken salad from Zaxby's with a large DP to drink.

Pop Culture: I finished the latest season of Kimmy Schmidt as well as The Hike. I must now find new things to watch/read.

Day 17: The Boredom of Daily Life

Being a Tuesday, the worst day of the week, hands down, I figured I would talk about what goes into my daily routine. Every day, I get up at 7:10am and shower. I dress and then I am off to work by 8am. When I get to work one of two things happen, either Jimmy (the owner of the company) is here or he isn't. If he is here, I have to at least look busy the entire time he's here, which causes me to burn through the small amount of actual work I have to do everyday. If he isn't here, I can pace myself a little better and spread my work throughout the day. The other benefit to Jimmy absence is that I can ask Kirby questions about my assignments. Kirby is monopolized by Jimmy when both of them are here. When Kirby is here and free, sometimes we can shoot the breeze for half an hour and that kills some work time. No matter what, Jimmy is gone by 11 and Kirby usually leaves around lunch time to visit job sites.

So the afternoons are these long stretches where I sometimes have absolutely nothing to do. Since I use my own computer here at work, I don't feel guilty surfing the net but there are limits to how much one can surf without a specific target. Some days I literally sit here and fall asleep. On days where I was able to parcel out the morning work easier, I save myself some work to do in the afternoon but those days are scarce. Instead, it is mostly the monotony of having eight hours to fill and nothing to fill it with. That is why, around 11am, I start my blogging in hopes that it will carry me to lunch.

Food since last time: My dinner last night was four slices of pepperoni, bacon and extra cheese pizza with a coke (they were out of cold Dr. Pepper at Wal-mart). For dessert, I had four cookies and creme oreos. This morning, I had my usual SEC biscuit and three mini-cruellers with a DP. I am drinking a Coke Zero now and waiting for lunch.

Pop Culture: Another Kimmy Schmidt and more of The Hike for me, along with some War Machine comics.

Day 16: Back to Work

The weekend is over and my uncle still can't find the title for the car I am going to buy from him. So, back to work in my father's Jeep. I accidentally left my wallet at home today so I had to borrow money from Kirby (my boss/friend) for lunch. I have actually had some work to do so things aren't passing as slowly as they usually do when I grapple for something to help kill time. I have really been enjoying the book I read half of this weekend. I can't wait to be done with groceries tonight so I can get back to reading it.

There isn't much to report today. Same old, same old. I don't want this blog just to be a diary but some days, that is exactly what it will be. Oh well.

Food since last time: For dinner last night, my father ordered pizza from Fox's Pizza Den. I had three slices of pepperoni, bacon and extra cheese. I drank a Dr. Pepper with my food. This morning, I had my SEC biscuit, four soft batch cookies and a Dr. Peppper. For lunch, I had a Dave's Single from Wendy's with a large fry and Dr. Pepper.

Pop Culture: I am over halfway through The Hike and loving it. I watched some more Kimmy Schmidt and read some War Machine comics. Other than that, not too much pop culture to report.

Day 15: Loneliness

If I had to use one word to define my adult life, it would be loneliness. While I have some great friends, I don't always feel connected to them. I just finished watching a season of Master of None where Aziz Ansari's Dev has an emotional affair with his engaged friend because the two of them feel a connection when they are with each other. Some of the episodes hit close to home because, the last two times I got involved with someone, they were already involved with someone else. For awhile there, I was the professional "other guy" waiting for the primary relationships to end so I could be with a girl. Neither of them left their boyfriends and I was stuck alone each time.

Since then, and this is piggbacking off the topic from a few days ago where I was whining about not having sex, I meet people and talk to people but I don't feel connected to anyone. Most of my female friends have significant others and, even if I weren't totally burned out on being the other guy, we don't seem to connect in a profound way. Gone are the days when I could just talk to someone for hours about nothing at all and everything. Those effortless conversations seem to permanently be in the past and my life is emptier without them. Of all my male friends, only one liked having deep conversations but they would usually just end up being about him.

So, while I have activity partners and people I can go do fun things with, I don't have anyone I consider close to me. And this isn't in regards to sharing personal news, I am not that protective of the details of my life, but more in the realm of taking an event and exploring the emotional and intellectual implications of it. That is a lost art. If any of my friends read this, I hope this doesn't upset you. I love my friends the way they are, I just wish I had a few more with some different skill sets.

Food since last time: I had an SEC biscuit and two mini-cruellers this morning with a bottle of DP. For lunch, I had a ramen double shot and two weiners with another bottle of DP. Otherwise, it has been water for me today.

Pop Culture: Finished my comics (James Bond, Moon Knight, etc) and read about ten more chapters in The Hike. I watched an MST3k and Kimmy Schmidt as well has finished the most recent season of Master of None.

Day 14: Non-Developments

After attending a lovely little birthday party for my friend, Catherine, last night, I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend of not a helluva lot to do. I woke up at 11 today and my mother and I picked up my grandmother so the three of us could go to Brevard and maybe buy a new car. I went and drove it. It had all the features I want except a busted tape deck for an audio system. There is a scratch mark running over the gas door that makes it impossible to close. There is animal fur and paw marks all over it. But all said, I was going to drive it back to Greenville today for $1700 (about $200 over Blue Book). Unfortunately, my uncle couldn't find the title. And we sat there for at least an hour while he tore his house apart looking for it. So, we left, without a car and me without spending any money. Now I can set up insurance and move the money around before we do the swap next weekend. At least a decision has been made but like all things in my life these days, I will have to wait to reap the rewards.

Food since last time: For dinner last night, I ate a chicken sandwich from Chik-Fil-A in a large combo with a Dr. Pepper. I drank Coke Zero the rest of the night. I had a Lavender Vanilla Cupcake at the party. I woke up this morning and ate two mini-cruellers with a half cup of DP. Then my mom and I got Bojangles. I had roasted chicken bites with fries and a biscuit and a medium DP. I drank a coke zero all afternoon. For dinner, I had a frozen pepperoni and bacon pizza with some extra cheese slapped on. I drank about a liter of DP. Just water from here on out tonight.

Pop Culture: I started a new book called The Hike and watched a Kimmy Schmidt. Most of the afternoon was reading comics I bought yesterday: Cable, Spider-Man, Secret Empire, Star Wars, Infamous Iron Man, The Avengers and some more. Looking forward to doing more pop culture tomorrow.

Day 13: Car Developments

I was going to write about Master of None and the excellent portrayal of emotional affairs but that can wait. There has been a development on the car front. As you may know, I have been saving up money to afford a down payment on a (new) used car. I have a very stupid list of requirements based on deficient cars from my past. I want air conditioning, power windows, automatic transmission, a decent sound system and, besides that, being less than 100k miles would be nice. Also, if it was made in the past 10 years. I have a little alert at cars.com to tell me when new ones come available in my area.

My uncle recently lost his wife. I'm not going to get to into it but this isn't all bad. My uncle is now looking to sell a car he got for free from my grandmother and my mom thinks it would be a perfect car for me. It is a 2000 or 2001 Buick LeSabre with less than 100k miles. So already, a strike and a plus. It meets all my stupid needs except for sound system (I think it has a tape deck, to be honest). But, the price range is well within what I have saved up for a down payment on a used car. Apparently, at some point, my uncle ran it into a ditch and wanged it up pretty badly but got it repaired also. Also apparently, he has hit a tree or something while backing up. The guy is kind of a disaster, is what I'm saying but maybe the car is still in good running condition? I'm going to check it out this weekend and see if I want to spend my hard saved money up on it or something else altogether.

Food since last time: I ate a Son of Baconator combo for lunch yesterday with large fries and a large Dr. Pepper. I drank Coke Zero throughout the afternoon and then for dinner had a large can of Spaghetti-os with some added cheese. I ate that with a large cup of Dr. Pepper to drink. This morning, I had my SEC biscuit with 3 mini-cruellers. I had a 16.9 oz Dr. Pepper and then Coke Zero the rest of the morning. For lunch, I had 8 mild wings with blue cheese and some fries. I drank two very iced cups of Dr. pepper while I ate. Now, I am back at the office, drinking Coke Zero.

Pop Culture: Pretty mild again, besides my Marvel Puzzle Quest, I showed my mother the first few episodes of Kimmy Schmidt so she could get a grounding for the show and watch some new ones with me. I watched two new ones and called it a night.

Day 12: A Case of the Spring Hornies

Man, was yesterday a trying day for me. At work, I don't have terribly much to do (which is how I am able to write these blog entries). I am trying to figure out how much to reveal here. Is anyone I know reading this? Will they eventually? Will I be judged harshly for my very human failings? Can I expect blowback from being honest?

Well, look, a friend of mine was doing a promotion for her retail store where she and other staff members were hanging out on the street in only aprons. While my friend is an attractive woman, I am not attracted to her personally (if that makes sense?). Still, upon reading about this promotion, I became obsessed with seeing pictures of anyone involved. Now, I knew there wouldn't be any gratuitous nudity but it stoked my imagination in a way that hasn't happened for a couple of years, at least. I searched for webcams and photographic evidence of the promotion. When pics finally did start rolling in, there was absolutely nothing to get excited about. It was all done very modestly and tastefully. But it signaled to me that I might be desperately lonely when it comes to female interaction. Did I mention I was at work during all of this?

I haven't been on a date in about five years and haven't been intimate with a woman over four years. This includes no kissing, no petting, no nothing. I have lived like a monk since before I moved to Kansas City. I may have mentioned earlier that I am grossly overweight and, even if I met a girl crazy enough to want to get some of this, I would not feel confident enough to pursue any moves. Whenever I think about losing weight, it is almost always just so I can maybe get back out on the dating scene.

I just started a new program that I'm hoping will unfold over the next six months and cause me to lose some weight. Step one was the elimination of calorie-packed sodas between meals. I'll talk step two when I get there. In the meantime, I have to continue wondering what is going to trip my trigger next and make me girl crazy?

Food since last time: I ordered a small cheese pizza from Dominos and ate the whole damn thing at lunch with one bottle of Dr. Pepper. For dinner, I had leftover cajun sausages and mac. I added barbecue sauce to the sausage and grated cheese to the mac but it wasn't a big meal. I had a cup of Dr. Pepper with it. This morning, due to thievery by someone in my house, my morning DP was stolen so I had to go buy a larger one to wash down my SEC biscuit and three mini-cruellers. I have been sticking to Coke Zero between meals as per my deal.

Pop Culture: I started rereading some old Ms. Marvel comics last night but mostly watched Master of None and Kimmy Schmidt. Master of None has inspired my next entry.

Day 11: Reality Check

While talking to a friend today, I accidentally gave myself a reality check about this job situation. The first time I was hired by a company like this, the timeline went as such...I was interviewed in March of 2004. I was told that the job could start at any time and I would need to be living in Columbia, SC, when it happened. At the time, in March, I was living with my fiance in Charleston. We both had good jobs and things were going well. I decided that by May, I needed to be in Columbia (I knew my background investigation would take some time). We both left our jobs and by June, we were thoroughly moved to Columbia. Still no word from my company at this point. So, I took a rinky dink job at a DMV and my fiance started working at a local college she also began attending for Library Science classes. Months passed and with me being underemployed, the credit card debt mounted quickly. Crystal, for that was her name, took another job to make up my slack and, between the studies and two jobs, she literally began losing her mind. By the end of the year, Crystal would be institutionalized and I would be told in November 2004 that I could start working in February, in Boston. They had fucked around so long on starting me that there were no more positions available where I was. So, almost a year from my initial interview, I got to start in a different state than where I was hired and two moves away from where I started.

2004 was a bad year for me. I eventually recovered financially but never dated anyone seriously again. While the job ended up being lucrative for the next eight years, it ended in a way that caused me to end up where I am currently (nowhere great). These companies can take up to a year to give me a start date. If I end up with one a mere six months from my initial job offer, that will be a minor miracle.

Food since last time: I had some pizza rolls and a little weird oreo chocolate bar thing with a Coke Zero (hey hey!) for lunch. For dinner, I ate a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and a medium fry with a medium Dr. Pepper. For breakfast this morning, I had my usual SEC biscuit with three mini-cruellers and a Dr. Pepper (16.9 oz). I have been drinking a Coke Zero the rest of the morning. I am on Step 1 of a multiple step process to lose weight. Step 1 is "No Drinking Sodas between meals" and by that I mean caloried sodas like my beloved Dr. Pepper. Coke Zero or Diet Pepsi or something is what I must consume when not eating.

Pop Culture: Actually, the only thing I consumed since last time was an episode of Kimmy Schmidt. Not sure what I was doing last night besides going to the grocery store and watching the news.

Day 10: The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Now, the long weekend is over and I am back at work. Despite a restless night, I am not feeling tired today. Mostly, I am keeping my eyes on my gmail tab to see when a new email comes in. My company should know by now that I am cleared to work. I figure they will reach out to me sooner than later but I haven't heard anything so far. I have resolved that I will write them at the beginning of the day tomorrow if I haven't heard anything.

I was going over my new budget in more detail (with what I can afford on this new job) and I should be able to live a comfortable lifestyle while still putting money back in savings and meeting my goals of paying off debts. All this is good news that I just need to have reaffirmed by my company before I get too far ahead of myself.

A plan to start switching more drinks to diet drinks is going to start today in just a little bit. Step one in a long road that I am trying to just think of as one day at a time.

Food since last time: I had about half a box of mac and cheese along with two cajun sausages for lunch yesterday (along with a liter of DP). For dinner, my mother made a bacon and cheese omelette with home fries. I had another 24 oz DP with dinner. As a snack yesterday, I had four soft batch cookies with a G2 little bottle of Gatorade. This morning, I had a gas station sausage biscuit and six little chocolate donuts. I drank two 16oz DPs with it.

Pop Culture: I finished The Infinity Gauntlet Omnibus again as well as the novel, The Impossible Fortress. I watched more Master of None episodes as well as Kimmy Schmidt. That was about it.

Day 9: Bad Math

So yesterday, as I was writing this up, I had a mini-freak out because I didn't think I would be able to afford a car payment and a settlement payment for my credit card when I get my new salary. It turns out, I was doing the wrong math. I use the ADP Payroll Calculator (a helpful tool to keep you from guessing what your next paycheck will be) and I only figured it for working 40 hours on a biweekly paycheck schedule. When I went back and realized I had screwed myself out of half of what I would be making, things looked much better. Not only can I pay my bills and a car payment, I can afford a decent sized settlement payment as well. Now, I just need my start date.

Earlier in the year, I had outlined a one year plan for slowly getting fitter. I think I will harvest that plan and implement it over the course of the year where I am paying off my debt. More on that later. Today, I am going to enjoy this third day of a three day weekend. I'm not sure what I am going to do but I will make sure it is relaxing and/or fun. Hope anyone reading this is having a good day, too.

Food since last time: My parents offered to buy Burger King so I got a Big Bacon King which is just way too much burger for one human. I had also had fries and a DP. Then, for dinner, I made a pizza with extra cheese, bacon and pepperoni. I ate 3/4ths of it and drank about a liter of DP. For breakfast this morning, I had a weiner and that last 1/4th of the pizza with a cup of DP. Definitely switching to diet sodas this week to see what a difference it makes, calorie wise.

Pop Culture since last time: I read more Infinity Gauntlet and the Impossible Fortress (about halfway through it now). I watched one Kimmy Schmidt episode and several Master of None episodes. I also watched the Korean horror flick, The Host. And I saw most of a very edited version of the US remake of Death at a Funeral with my mom.

Day 8: The Wheels Start Turning

With yesterday's bit of good news, my mind wheels have started turning. First, worst case scenarios are crossing my mind. My whole job is based on going through some retraining before I can restart but it was waiting for one of these training classes that delayed me so much back in January. What if they only do them twice a year and I am screwed until September or something? That would be bad.

I am trying not to dwell on such long shots and instead think about what this news could mean to the next year of my life. If I can start getting paid big boy money then I should, hypothetically, be able to pay for a new car and maybe, pay my way totally out of debt. If I can get the settlement from the credit card company, I would be paying something like $450 a month for a year to settle my debt and consider it gone. Of course, I can't pay the car payment and the settlement at the same time. I would have to choose the car payment first, allowing the regular $150 a month to continue for the credit card. Of course, a car might take two years to pay off before I could even think about the settlement. Hmmm, this requires more thinking. I had thought that if I were stuck with my parents for one more year, I could institute a healthy living plan for that year as well. But if I am looking at a minimum three years to freedom, I am looking at utter despair.

I need to sit down and think all this out with some calculations. Then I'll work on my health plan. Talking to Aubrey on Friday led me back to thinking I need to work diet sodas into my strategy again, if only to drastically reduce my calorie count. If you've read my food blog portion, you'll know I spend most of my calories on Dr. Pepper.

Food since last time: My parents brought home two hot dogs with mustard and some fries for me. I ate that with 1/2 a liter of Dr. Pepper. This morning, I've had four soft batch cookies, a raw weiner and the other 1/2 liter of Dr. Pepper.

Pop Culture: Yesterday as a full day of lazy pop culture consumption. More Infinity Gauntlet, Black Hammer #9, the first 8 chapters of The Impossible Fortress by Jason Rekulak, the Arrow season finale and the Land that Time Forgot on MST3k. Yes, quite the good day.

Day 7: A Glimmer of Hope

When yesterday passed with no news, I was resigned to spend this Memorial Day weekend still in agony over not knowing my future. Well, as fate would have it, an answer arrived this afternoon in the form of some certified mail. The U.S. government has seen fit to allow me access to classified information, which means I can hypothetically start my job as soon as they can retrain me. I haven't heard from my company yet but I assume that will be next week. This is a nice move forward. As suspected, my finances were the thing holding me up. They apparently didn't care much about how I lost the old job or my depression treatment.

Within the next six months they will check in to make sure I have paid at least another $900 off my large debt and that I have paid off my small debt completely. Both of which should be easy to accomplish. Once I get the go ahead from my company, I can buy a new car and then things can get literally moving again. This is a weight off my back but I won't open the champagne until I hear from my company with a firm start date. Still, one step forward.

Food since last time: My mother and I ate a lunch order of Sweet and Sour Chicken with rice for lunch. I had two Dr. Peppers with it. For dinner last night, I ate with friends at Barley's in Asheville and had two slices of cheese pizza with a coke. When I got home at 2am, I ate two big cup Reece's with cookie filling. When I got out of bed at 2pm today I ate a double shot of creamy chicken ramen with a Cheerwine.

Pop Culture: I bought comics yesterday so I have read the latest issues of Wild Storm, Wonder Woman, Batman, Flash, All-Star Batman and Wicked and Divine 455 AD. I also went to see Franz Ferdinand in concert. A band called Omni opened for them. It was a fun show and over too soon.

Day 6: Anticipation

I mentioned earlier how one of my big road blocks is not knowing if I actually got the investigator job they hired me for back in January. It all hinges on my investigation and if the government thinks I am worthy of a top secret security clearance. The problem that is keeping it from being smooth sailing is actually a variety of little problems. I can't prove that I was fired due to my car accident from my last investigator job. I can't remember the name of my boss from Kansas City (I only worked for him for three months) and I never knew anyone else there who can confirm that was why I was let go. So, that's an issue. Secondly, I am friends with a foreign national, a Canadian woman who lives in Germany with her husband. This caused some minor issues. Thirdly, I am being treated for depression but who isn't right? And finally, I have some hefty debt issues since I defaulted on my credit card a couple of years ago. This is probably the most damning obstacle to my clearance.

I received a call this past Monday from the woman adjudicating my case asking me to verify I had actually been paying back my credit card. Luckily, I have voided checks to prove my three payments. She said her part would be done by the end of the week and she would let the company that hired me know whether or not I passed. Then, it is up to the company to tell me if I got the job or not and when I might actually start.

I am mildly optimistic about my chances. I think I have done enough to prove I can be trusted with top secret information (not that you even get any in this line of work). I am really hoping I find out one way or another by the end of the day today. I am keeping an eye on my email inbox just waiting for something to let me know I can breathe again and start planning for the rest of my life. Of course, there is no promise of any news today. It might be after the long weekend before I hear anything but, man, it would be nice to go into this weekend celebrating a victory instead of crossing my fingers for some good news.

Food since last time: I had a cheeseburger and french fries from a diner last night with about 1/2 a liter of Dr. Pepper. This morning I had my SEC biscuit with three mini-cruellers and I have had a liter of Cheerwine so far this morning. I am about to go to lunch with my mother so nothing else has been consumed.

Pop Culture: I read a little of the Infinity Gauntlet trade last night but my night was mostly about catching up on TV shows. I watched the Archer, Flash and Brooklyn Nine Nine season finales. I am still crying way too much at dumb tv shows.

Day 5: Mood and Motivation

Yesterday, I talked about some logistical hang ups I have. Today, I want to talk about more personal hang ups.

I have been diagnosed as having a Bi-Polar 2 disorder. The 2 indicates it is weaker than the original. When I cycle between manic and depressed, it is mostly just in my head. My outward behavior doesn't really change that much. My thoughts go from a depressed state where everything is horrible so why bother trying to the manic belief that I can change my life with enough big, bold moves...all attempted at once. As you can imagine, neither of these approaches are all that helpful. I accidentally accomplish some things in a manic state but usually slip back into depression and undo everything I've tried to do.

The main way to fight this is through medication. I have a psychiatrist for exactly this reason. While my therapist and I try to keep my attitude in the right place, my psychiatrist pretty much just sees me to medicate me. I am currently taking a drug called Latuda (you may have seen commercials for it) that works pretty well when I remember to take it. I try to take one every day after dinner but sometimes, you eat out and don't have your meds with you. Even then, I try to take one when I get home. Anyway, I think it is working ok to help me get mental distance on my depressed thoughts (being able to disagree with my depression is a big help) but not so much as a mood balance. I still cry at the drop of a hat and for the weirdest things, too. But that's probably a whole other story.

So, my meds are helping with my mood. I just need to find motivation. Unfortunately, at the core of my thinking is still this "why bother?" attitude. Trying to find a reason to try is one of my major quests and one I hope to succeed in while writing this blog.

Tomorrow, who knows what I will write about? Strategies for getting back on top? We'll see.

Food since last time: I had a medium combo from Burger King with a Bacon Double Cheeseburger. I also had an oreo milkshake last night. This morning, I had my SEC biscuit and three mini-cruellers with a Cheerwine. For lunch, a co-worker brought us Chick-Fil-A biscuits so I had a chicken biscuit. I went to a corner store and bought mesquite chips and a mini-bag of white chocolate Kit-Kats. I am drinking a 24 ounce DP.

 Pop Culture since last time:  Last night was game night with  my friends so I didn't read comics or watch TV. We played Mysterium, Forbidden Island and (my favorite) the DC Deck Building game.